In this podcast episode, I delve into invalidation and its significant impact on romantic relationships. I highlight common invalidating statements such as "Why are you upset?", "You're overreacting," or "Calm down," explaining that these make a partner feel their emotions are wrong, unjustified, or excessive. This can lead to increased frustration, shame, and a sense of being alone in their struggle, mirroring the hurt children feel when invalidated.
I emphasize the importance of using validating alternatives, such as "I see that you're feeling upset. Can you tell me what's making you feel this way?" or "It sounds like you're feeling anxious right now. That must be really uncomfortable. How can I support you?". These phrases aim to make the partner feel seen and heard, fostering connection and reducing conflict.
I then introduce a study on marital conflict behaviors, categorizing them into three styles:
•Destructive: Includes actions like yelling, insults, criticism, or bringing up past issues.
•Constructive: Involves calm discussion, active listening, saying nice things, or trying to make a spouse laugh.
•Withdrawal: Entails disengaging, such as becoming quiet or leaving the situation.
The study found that, as expected, husbands and wives who reported using more destructive behaviors had a higher rate of divorce. A particularly fascinating and counter-intuitive finding was that greater constructive behaviors among wives predicted greater divorce rates. Learn more in this episode!
Listen to my conversation with author of Validation, Dr. Caroline Fleck:
Read the full study:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3777640/pdf/nihms494814.pdf
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