Preventing sex is one thing, and it is an important thing, but there are other unrealized consequences of leaving our kids ill-equipped to manage the complexities of sex even if they choose to wait. There is an incorrect assumption that if our sons and daughters wait to have sex that everything will come naturally and be great. This just isn’t true, spending years face to face with broken women and couples whose marriages are struggling and failing due to intimacy and sexual dysfunction issues has taught me that we are not doing enough to support our young people when they choose to wait.
I have had so many clients who chose to wait to have sex only to find out that it was not at all the beautiful thing they were told it would be. The anticipation and expectations that go along with that belief just maximized their trauma. The kind of trauma that can taint a marriage or end a marriage in the long run.
The following layer of information is critical for your kids who are in a serious dating relationship, getting ready for marriage, or deciding to have sex. Part of the sex talk is acknowledging that sex is not what it looks like in porn or on tv for most people and it definitely isn’t for anyone their first few times.
Many young women believe that getting pregnant is easy and are unaware that complications may happen. They are also unprepared for the potential to have pain or complications with intercourse itself.
There are many ways that we can prepare our sons and daughters to have a healthy sexual experience. If your child is in a serious relationship that is headed toward marriage talk with them about ways they can have a more successful experience, and prepare them for the potential of a problem, doing this will reduce anxiety, the likelihood of trauma, and the kind of sexual dysfunction that could impact their marriage for the long haul.
I understand the weirdness associated with idea of teaching your kids to how to have a good sex life but let’s think about his for a minute. We potty train them, teach them how to drive safe, how to cross a street, how to excel in school and manage their finances. Why is it so weird to help them be successful in one of the most important aspects of the most important human relationship they will have in their lives? It doesn’t make sense not to help them but for so many it is awkward and out of the question.
Don’t let the only thing you equip your daughter with be a bunch of lingerie she wont ever wear from her bridal shower. Panty and lingerie party’s are great but consider also having the mature women in your family or community share wisdom and tips on a notecard that she can read later.
She may not realize it then but if things go a little sideways she will have that wisdom and insight to keep her from feeling like she is alone in it or that there is something “wrong” with her.
This doesn’t have to be complicated or invasive, it can be as simple as equipping them with faith-based reading material about sexual pleasure, mutual satisfaction, pregnancy, and common sexual dysfunctions. Or Preparing a honeymoon care package with lubricant, wet wipes, the notecards from the bridal shower, and other helpful things. That small gesture could be the difference between a great first experience and a traumatic one.