Be real with them about the emotional consequences of having sex outside of marriage. Most kids have a friend or know of kids who hop from relationship to relationship. One week they love each other and the next they are broken up. Using an example that they can connect to is more productive than explaining it on our terms. Since you have already explained the bonding process and God’s design they will be able to connect with the idea that big feelings are real but that they can change rapidly.
Talk to them about the fact that they may have strong feelings for someone one day (some of you may have kids that already do) and will find themselves being drawn to sexual behavior. This is an excellent way to open the door to your kiddo coming to you when they are struggling to manage these feelings. So often, kids want to do the right thing but they are terrified to tell us they are thinking about doing the wrong thing. Parents, sometimes we do this, we will get angry over a thought or a feeling that our child shares that triggers us, by doing this we are teaching them to be afraid to share anything that isn’t positive or what we want to hear. Openly discussing and accepting that our kids are not perfect and will have temptations and impulses, sets the stage for them to come to you when it really matters.
Discounting the fact that kids can have big feelings like love does not make those feelings go away, it is better to validate them and educate them on how those big feelings can lead to permanent decisions that hurt them and the person they say they love. Let them think about how many breakups they have seen and discuss the depression, anxiety, and bullying that often results from premature sex.
Your kids need to know that God created sex to be enjoyed but he restricts it for our good. He knows that while we can do it, if we choose to do it outside of mature commitment, there are painful consequences. Having sex before marriage does not make your child unlovable, they need to know that you and God will still love them but that you and God both want the same thing for them, to avoid heartache, pain, and potentially permanent consequences from having sex with the wrong person at the wrong time.
It would be nice if our kids chose not to do it just because the Bible tells them not to but the reality is they have to develop an emotional and spiritual connection with their own values in order to be successful in maintaining healthy boundaries and self-control.
Set them up to have more freedom by having better protections in place.
Chaperone them, make them hang out and hold conversations in common areas. Don’t take a hands-off approach and never apologize for being a parent. It is not hovering or being overly protective of your children to monitor and protect them. The concept of giving kids adult-level privacy is a new and very detrimental trend.
Have open communication with the parents of their love interest.
Explain the differences between lust and love, having things in common, enjoying their company, and having easy conversation is not love. Pursuing someone because you think they are hot, have a nice body, or you are sexually aroused/curious around them is not love. Love is a spiritual, emotional, and physical connection with someone that is rooted in unconditional regard for who they are as a person. It is the ability to recognize that they have flaws and differences but choose to accept them as they are. It is the ability to be yourself (not feeling like you need to change yourself or be someone you are not to keep them interested in you) and a willingness to work through deficiencies and hardships, prioritize the relationship, and share mutual commitment.
Share scripture with them concerning love to help them understand that the kind of love that bonds people together for a lifetime develops over time.
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