Things don’t always go the way we want them to, we can say and do all of the right things but nothing is a guarantee, your child has free will, they are going to make their own decisions and sometimes that leads to pre-marital sex. Make sure the door is open to them if they decide to take this path. Many parents with strong convictions take a passive-aggressive or aggressive approach to these situations. Their child feels abandoned and rejected which just leads to more unhealthy sexual behavior. Kids often turn to sex to try to fill an emotional or relational void so being angry or avoidant is the last thing they need from you.
This is rough I know it is so you may need to take a time out before you respond, time outs are not for our kids they are for us, sometimes we need time to organize our feelings and formulate a healthy response before we can enter into a triggering conversation.
A crucial step in this is to not take your child’s sexual decisions personally, taking them personally will put your feelings in front of theirs. It is sad, you are hurt, you are disappointed but it is their mind, their body, their spirit, and their heart that will carry the weight of that decision for the rest of their lives.
Remind yourself that you did your best but they belong to God, say a prayer, and trust him to guide you and your child.
Think about the big picture, you know how you are feeling and want to react now but would sharing that lead to the outcome you want with your child? Take a few deep breaths and think about what the kind of parent you want to be would say. It may sound strange but when we are triggered we tend to forget the parent we want to be and respond like the parent we don’t want to be.
James 3:3-6 says “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.”
Our words matter, we have the potential to permanently damage the relationship we have with our kids if we are not careful. Its not that we cant be angry even God the perfect father gets angry but its being intentional about how we express it.
An example of a response is “Thank you for sharing this with me, I want to discuss this with you but I need a few minutes to process it first, I love you, stay right here and I will be back in a few minutes” Scream into a pillow, punch your bed, pray, breathe and then circle back.
If your child hasn’t told you but you found out some other way you have the time to sort your feelings out before you approach them. Consider writing out your feelings and what you want to say to them, just like before think about the big picture and write it out until you feel good about your response. You may not be fully prepared for how you are going to feel in front of them so a time-out may still be helpful but make sure you are in the right frame of mind before you even go into the conversation. The same rules apply as the initial sex talk, make sure you are in the right environment and have enough time to sort through the mountain of emotions and information that is sure to surface.
If your child is having sex there is a reason, ask them to share with you how and when they decided to take that step. Ask them if they feel safe in their relationship and whether or not they are choosing to have sex because they want to or because it is expected of them. Blame is a dead-end street, don’t get caught up in who is to blame the focus is ensuring that your child and their sexual partner are safe.