How to meet at a sex club

This week, we share advice for shy couples at a sex club — how to meet new people, language to open conversations, and how to prep for awkward conversations.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to meet at a sex club

Participant #1:
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I’m your cohost, Brandon Weir, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, how are you? I’m good. I’m interested in this topic today because it’s about shyness. That is something that I don’t think you are I’m not familiar with. Although I was shy when I was younger, and in certain environments, I’m not really shy, but I’m intimidated. Do you mean right now? What do you mean? When you were younger? No, now, like, you know that there are certain groups that I find where I don’t feel like I fit in, where I feel like I’m an outsider. I’m not shy, but I’m uncomfortable, so maybe I actually overcompensate for my discomfort by being extraverted. You’re definitely not shy. No, I’m not shy. I don’t know if I find myself being the same as you being uncomfortable, like, not saying anything in certain environments, but I have found myself saying less in certain environments these days. But I think you’re more comfortable with yourself. I think you were raised to make conversation with people in a culturally appropriate way, where I was raised to just, like, chat nonsense to everyone or stay hidden in a corner. I’m good at talking small talk. Yeah, you are good at small talk. I think I am. I will make a quick comment that post pandemic or I know we’re not the pandemic is not over. Let me be clear. However, I do find myself at a loss sometimes. The first few social vest, you may tell, is like, I breathe. You breathe, too. Let’s be friends. We have so much in common. Hair. Hair. It’s getting better. So, yeah, I actually have found myself in the same boat where conversation used to flow more freely. And since the onset of the pandemic, I feel maybe I have a little less to talk about or things feel very heavy, so I don’t want to make the same type of small talk. But then people are also tired of talking about COVID, and then there are more awkward silences. Yeah, there’s a lot happening here. But before we jump into this very interesting conversation, let’s give a show to the sponsor, Adam and Eve.com. Promo code. Doctor Jess, what did you say the last time? Rub your knob, tickle your pickle. All sorts of great things. And what are they also offering in addition to the 50% off discount code? So it’s 50% off almost any single item, free shipping and a few free goodies with code Doctor Jess at Adam and Eve.com. Amazing.

All right, let’s get to your question. So this lovely person wrote in and says, my partner and I recently ventured out and attended Oasis for the first time. So for folks who don’t know, oasis is a wicked sex club downtown Toronto, just around the corner from my place, actually. So my partner and I recently ventured out, attended Oasis for the first time. Yay. One thing that we both noticed is that we were very shot. We definitely wanted to have experiences with people while we were there, but we didn’t know how to start up a conversation to ask someone if they wanted to engage in activities with us. There’s information on what is a sex club, but I was wondering if you could talk about how to explore new opportunities with people while at one we’re super new and any information is much appreciated. Well, I’ll say first and foremost I’m sure that you can give us some advice. So if you have any thoughts on this, please send it my way and I’ll definitely share it with this person or share it on an upcoming episode. But recently, not too long ago, I interviewed the cast of Playboy TV Swings. They’re all swingers about how to get over shyness, how to deal with shyness, how to approach people when you are shy. And I think that one thing I’ll say is that most people talk and have very friendly conversations before they just start kind of having physical experiences. I know that’s not always the case. Some people just start dancing together and it kind of evolves more organically. But for many people that I see, there’s a lot of conversation. There is oftentimes a friendship that develops playfulness. Oftentimes people will take time to have a drink together. If they have more time, they’re going to have dinner together. It’s not as simple as locking eyes and then getting down to it. Sure there are exceptions, but I would say overall it really more is about cultivating conversation and connection and friendship before you move to the next stage. But I am not the expert at being shy in a swinger’s club, so I’m going to turn to the experts. Although I don’t know if these folks are shy, but I’m sure at some point in their lives they were.

So you may not know this about me, some of you do. I used to host a show on Playboy TV called Swing. It was a really cool project where a bunch of swingers were living in a mansion and every weekend a new couple would visit and they would have the opportunity to potentially try swinging for the very first time. And so I was the host. I would welcome them in, kind of walk them through the rules, and then they would have the potential to hook up with another couple or couples that night. But it wasn’t required, right? Like if there was no attraction, if there was no chemistry, if something didn’t drive, sometimes it just didn’t happen. And the next day I would go back and do a bit of a debrief with them. And so it’s a really cool project. And I met some amazing people on the show, including a handful who have sent in their advice here. So first, Tammy and Brad super fun couple burners burning man people. Tammy McCray. They own a club, I believe. It’s in Portland Pdxsanctuarycom. And so Brandon, you’ve got the notes from Tammy. Let us know what Tammy has to say about how to approach people, how to deal with shyness and still connect in the swing of time. Yeah. So Tammy’s insight was great and I’m just going to summarize what she said. So having our own lifestyle club has really opened our eyes to how difficult it can be if a couple is shy. Couples should try to contact the event host via email or DM prior to the event. Ask any questions that they have and it helps in two ways. Number one, it eases any fears or concerns that they might have and they enter the situation with less anxiety. And number two, it’s going to at minimum, they’ll know somebody at the event meeting the organizers prior so when they do arrive, they can seek out that familiar face and likely start up and strike some conversation. And then she gives a few other tips that I think are very helpful. So number one is tell the event organizer that you are shy and that you do need some help. Ask them to introduce you to the most gregarious or outgoing person or couple in the room because we all know that that person is going to be thrilled to chat with you and to also introduce you around if you ever had that. It’s me, it’s me. I love introducing people. It’s nice because you immediately make connection and that person is obviously going to know everybody and then they’re going to take you around and you’re going to have some great conversations. Tammy goes on to say, remember that outgoing people generally love to make shy people feel welcome. And then she says, we had a single guy that came solo to an event and he simply walked up to a group and said, may I join your conversation? And it was really effective. Much better than standing around and feeling awkward because there’s no harm in being honest. High, we’re not great at this. Can we join your conversation?

I’ve got to say that’s a great suggestion. And the way that this person introduced themselves, may I join your conversation? It was just very a bit vulnerable, very honest. And if I was having a conversation with somebody else and somebody said that to me, I’d be like, Absolutely. Oh, sorry, but no, I really would. My desire is to make other people feel comfortable and feel welcome. So I think that’s a really good tip. And then finally, Tammy’s last point here is a good suggestion for shy couples. Search out events that are specifically geared towards meeting new people. It increases the likelihood that there are going to be other couples in the same boat and that might help ease their shyness. Tammy at PDX Sanctuary, they’ve created a meet and greet every Friday for this express purpose. I love that. And I want to say for the folks who are attending Oasis, and I know people are all over the world, but if you are going to Oasis, they have newbie nights. Most of these clubs have newbie nights, so you’re going to meet other newbies and then you’re going to have somebody to talk to when you get to the club. But again, don’t skip the step where you actually have conversation. I think that sometimes it can feel intimidating to try and connect with another couple because you feel like it’s going straight to the sex or straight to the physical. And my perspective is that you’re going to talk to so many different couples, you’re going to talk to so many different people, different singles. You’re not going to have sex with all of them. Hopefully. Well, I mean, hopefully maybe, but that’s a lot of work. But really, just be open to the conversation, to the friendships. Overall, the most resounding piece of feedback I get from folks in the lifestyle is that the greatest benefit is the friendships. Like, yeah, the sex is fun, the excitement, the sexiness, all that jazz, but really it is about the connections and the friendships. If there was something that I would say I really appreciate about going to desire, it’s how friendly people are. And I really do appreciate that people are constantly just saying, hey, good morning, good afternoon, how are you? How was your trip in? Where are you from? There are all these very easy ways to yes, it might be uncomfortable if you’re shy, but just to get the conversation started and worst case scenario, if that conversation doesn’t evolve, then you can just move on politely like it’s just a chat, right? You don’t have to have sex with them, you don’t have to be best friends with them, but you’re probably going to. I don’t know. I think all conversations can be kind of almost conversations can be fairly enriching. So, yeah, really thankful to Tammy and Brad for that. And then we have some more perspective from Nikki and Daniel. So Nicky and Daniel were a very, very popular couple over the course of the Swing Dynasty and I think they had their own show as well, a spin off show called Toy Ride on Playboy TV. And so this advice is from Daniel and he suggests that you role play with your partner on approaches. So most shy people, these are Daniel’s words, I’ll just read them to you. Most shy people will be the first to admit that they don’t know how to flirt. So if they read articles online about flirtation techniques, they can get a sense of what they can do in a non pressure environment. So it could be like specific compliments when it’s appropriate, when somebody’s funny or smart or appealing, really doing the role playing will give the shy couple a chance to kind of feed off of each other and boost each other’s confidence, as well as give clues to their partner when they falter and need the help of their wing person. Practicing and role playing, I think, for a lot of people, feels I think we’ll say cheesy, but I think it’s actually just really uncomfortable. Role playing is a really challenging, especially if you’re doing it for the first time.

Yeah, absolutely. But I love that idea. He also says place the ball in the other person’s court for a later time. If you’re in a group setting, the fear of rejection can be overwhelming. If you’re meeting new people, give them your contact info with a generalized statement like, we’d be interested in getting together for dinner or drinks with you sometime soon, or Shoot us a text or a call when it works for you, because then you don’t really have to hear on the spot. Yes, I’m interested. No, I’m not. But really, also this piece of advice from Daniel speaks to the fact that it’s not a simple lock eyes and we’re banging in the corner. And I know that there are places like that, but I would say that swinger scenes aren’t really like that cruising vibe. There’s a lot more conversation because there’s more people involved and because there are different relationship dynamics at play. And he just says that an open and ended overture hands the control over to the other couple and eliminates the fear of on the spot rejection. He also said that you should have the chemistry conversation. So this is what Daniel has to say. We all know you can use chemistry as a way to decline an invitation. For example, we only capitalize on moments when we’re feeling the chemistry. Chemistry is tricky, and sometimes it may change based on our mood, but the chemistry just isn’t here for us tonight. And I kind of like that. So it’s not necessarily about you. It’s just about what we’re feeling at the moment. But he says you can also use chemistry to offer an invitation and say something like, not sure how you guys are feeling tonight, but we feel there’s a certain chemistry we’d love to explore with you. That’s a great line. Yeah. They’re a smart couple, that Nicky and Daniel. I think another piece is that it’s okay to be shy, right? The science of Likability says that shy people are actually more likable. Bad news for me, nothing new here, so you don’t really have to pretend to be something you’re not. And I would say for clubs like Oasis, because they have long hours, they’re not a club that opens at, say, ten at night.

They’re open earlier in the day. Try going earlier on to the pool where you can actually sit and have conversations, where maybe it’s not as busy. It’s not just kind of a busy dance floor. Another piece is to just make sure you’re practicing these new social skills in lower intensity settings. So for example, if you struggle with initiating conversation or social contact, just practice kind of smiling or saying hello to strangers at the store, at the mall, at a coffee shop. At a coffee shop. Exactly. Because when you enact these new and challenging behavioral skills in more low pressure environments, it can help you to overcome the initial shyness and build the confidence to do so in more intense and perhaps sexually charged settings. So this really comes from exposure hierarchy therapy, which is a part of cognitive behavioral therapy. So if you have anxiety in social situations like dating, we usually help to create a list of exposures or experiences in ascending order of anxiety producing intensity. So you might practice making eye contact with a bus driver. You might practice saying good morning to the mail carrier or you might just have to ask a stranger for the time or make small talk with your local barista. And as you perform each task on the list and your worst fears, which are usually social rejection, embarrassment or hyperventilation, whatever it is you’re afraid of, they don’t come to fruition. So then your anxiety starts to decrease. And this is really the key to overcoming anxiety, right, is to expose yourself to the anxiety producing stimulus or situation. And you can do this in small steps, but if you continue with the avoidance of the stimulus, it only serves to kind of intensify the anxiety. Yeah, those are great. I mean, I do like the idea of like small, little incremental doses. I have noticed that some of the interesting relationships, maybe not friendships, but just like relationships start with, say, for instance, going to a coffee shop and just saying to the barista, how’s your day? And then the next time I go, there’s usually something there that we can elaborate on. If there’s I don’t want to say a connection, but there’s an opportunity to engage in conversation, then I have something to talk about the next time. So each one of these builds on the next. So I see how it’s and then I follow the barista on Instagram and like all of their posts and refer to them in person and that I’m too much what but really, when we think about approaching someone at a lifestyle club or a swinger’s club or sex club, you’re really doing the same things you do everywhere else, right? It’s everywhere else in life the way you approach someone. So I hope this is a little bit helpful. I would say that the most important piece is go to the newbie nights, meet people, meet the owners. Usually there are host couples on any given night. Also go to event night. So Oasis, for example, oh my gosh, they have so many events. They have events where there are live horn shoots. There are events that are educational. There are events that are interactive workshops. I’ve taught workshops on full body pleasure there. I think I’ve taught some oral sex workshops. I have friends who have taught spiritual sexuality and energetic orgasm workshops. There folks who have taught Sibian workshops, gspot and Squirting workshops.

So if you go to those sessions, the facilitator is probably going to facilitate connections. Not like, hey, you two are hooking up, but more we’re probably going to create opportunities for you to meet people on a friendly level. And the more people you meet, the more practiced you’ll become and hopefully the more comfortable you’ll become. Of course, from, I guess, a quickie perspective in terms of hooking up at a sex club, oftentimes it starts on the dance floor, right? I might come up to you and say, do you want to dance or can I join you? Right. Sometimes it starts further along in the process, like there might be a couple hanging out on a couch or a bed and another couple will say, do you mind if we join? And you just but on the other end of the bed, the beds are big. So sometimes there is that more, I guess, farther along the process advanced, not in terms of skill, but just in terms of the process of sex connections. But usually I really do believe it begins with conversation. And it’s also okay not to always be interacting with other people. Like you can just take advantage of the energy in the space of, I guess, the sounds and the sights and everything else that these clubs have to offer. So that’s our quickie version. Of course, there is so much more. So if you have advice for meeting new people at a sex club or a swing club, please, please send it my way. You can send an audio file or you can just send me a note and I’ll make sure to share it with the person who wrote in as well as hopefully with the listenership overall. So thanks to my non shy partner Brandon for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you to Adam and Evecom. Check them out with Code Doctor Jess for anything. Your heart, your lips, your penis, your nipples, your lower back, your internal desires, they got you covered. Adam and Eve.com, thank you so much for joining us, folks. Have a great one. You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.