Why do we keep going back to people who hurt us, even when we know it's time to let go?
In this insightful episode of Wired & Worthy, Dr. Amelia Kelley sits down with bestselling author and abandonment recovery expert Susan Anderson to explore why rejection hurts so deeply and how unresolved abandonment wounds can shape our relationships. Drawing from her personal experience and decades of clinical work, Susan introduces her SWIRL framework, the five emotional phases of abandonment, and explains why heartbreak can feel like withdrawal.
Together, they discuss people-pleasing, emotional dependency, the tendency to romanticize past relationships, and why we may feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. They also share practical ways to set healthier boundaries, process difficult emotions, and break repeating relationship patterns.
Key Takeaways
- Early experiences of connection and disconnection can shape our sensitivity to rejection and feelings of self-worth.
- People-pleasing can leave us feeling unappreciated when the love and attention we give aren't reciprocated.
- Susan's SWIRL framework identifies five overlapping phases of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting.
- Repeated contact with someone we've lost can prolong emotional withdrawal, while euphoric recall can cause us to romanticize the relationship.
- Setting healthy boundaries, processing difficult emotions, and recognizing unhealthy attachment patterns can support abandonment recovery.
About Susan Anderson
Susan Anderson has devoted more than 30 years of clinical experience and research to helping people heal from abandonment trauma. She is the founder of the Abandonment Recovery and Outer Child movements and the bestselling author of Journey from Abandonment to Healing, The Abandonment Recovery Workbook, Taming Your Outer Child, and The Black Swan: 12 Lessons of Abandonment Recovery.
Through her books, workshops, recordings, and online resources, Susan shares practical tools to support people navigating heartbreak, rejection, emotional trauma, and loss.
Connect with Susan Anderson
Website: https://www.abandonment.net/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesusananderson/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HealingAbandonment
Books & Blogs: https://www.abandonment.net/booksandblogs/
Bookstore & Resources: https://www.abandonment.net/my-store
The Abandonment Recovery Workbook (Audiobook): https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Abandonment-Recovery-Workbook-Audiobook/B0H1JPQDR1
Connect with Dr. Amelia Kelley:
🌍 Website: https://www.ameliakelley.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drameliakelley/
👩🏼💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drameliakelley/