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Episode Summary 11: Breaking the Cycle: ...

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You promised yourself you wouldn't become your mother. Then your kid won't put their shoes on for the third time, and the voice that comes out isn't really yours. In this episode, I talk with Terese, a parent who grew up walking on eggshells around a mother who yelled often. She would yell because Terese had her school books on the dinner table - and then after dinner, she would yell because the books were in the living room. Terese knew she wanted to raise her own kids differently, but she didn’t have a model for what that would look like. She shares what it took to finally stop hearing her mom's words come out of her own mouth, how she navigates her kids fighting with calm and confidence - and what she says to her kids on the nights it doesn't go as well. We hear how she talks to herself in the moments right before she'd normally snap, and how her son learned to apologize for his mistakes without being asked or told.

Questions this episode will answer

What is breaking generational patterns? It starts with catching yourself mid-reaction (and eventually before your reaction), and recognizing where it came from - often a hurt you experienced in childhood. Healing that pain, and learning new ways to be with your kids that meets both of your needs, actually breaks the cycle. How do I stop yelling when I'm angry? Staying logical or repeating yourself more calmly rarely holds once a kid is already melting down. Instead, try to notice when you’re just a little bit agitated - your shoulders are tight; your fists are clenched; there’s a lump in your throat. That’s the moment to remind yourself of what matters most to you - your relationship with your kids. How do you resolve conflict between siblings? Taking the toy away ends the fight but doesn't teach anything. When you can find out what need each child is trying to meet (e.g. autonomy, connection), you can find strategies to help both of them meet their needs. That’s how they learn how to solve their own conflicts - without you refereeing! How do you apologize to your kids after yelling? Many parents don’t want to bring up a difficult issue again - they worry that reliving it will hurt their kids more (and it’s uncomfortable, too!). But apologizing repairs the relationship and makes it stronger than it was before. How do you teach a child that it's okay to make mistakes? When kids see you make a mistake and own up to it, they learn that everyone makes mistakes. Then when they make a mistake, when you respond with curiosity instead of anger, even when you feel frustrated, tells your child that no matter what happens, you’ll work to find a solution that works for everyone. How do I quiet my inner critic as a parent? The voice telling you you're failing usually isn't yours originally - it’s one you heard often in your childhood. When you hear the voice say “You’re a terrible parent,” try adding: “I’m thinking that I’m a terrible parent.” This creates distance between you and the idea, which makes it easier for you to see that there are other possible explanations for what’s happening.

What you'll learn in this episode

What made Terese realize the way she was talking to her kids was starting to sound like her own mother, and what she did about it
Why trying to be logical and calm in the moment didn't work for her, and what did
How identifying her kids’ needs, instead of taking the toy away, helps them navigate fights more easily
What Terese says to her kids on the far fewer occasions when she still yells, that they now say to other people as well
The specific phrase Terese still uses to quiet the voice telling her she's a bad mom

Taming Your Triggers is open for enrollment

There’s no script that will make you stop having big reactions to your kids. When you work to understand your triggers with a group of parents who are invested in doing this alongside you, you can make much more progress, much faster. The Taming Your Triggers workshop helps you see why you feel triggered in the first place (whether you yell, clam up, or walk away), heal those hurts, and be in relationship with your kids in a way that’s aligned with your values. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights 01:44 Introduction to Terese: Swedish, raised partly in Canada, now living in Norway, a teacher and mother of three 03:14 What led Terese to join Taming Your Triggers: snapping at her kids and hearing her mom's voice 04:16 Terese describes her relationship with her mom as a teenager, and feeling like she couldn't exist in her own home 06:22 Naming the peacekeeping role Terese held as a child, always trying to prevent her mom's dysregulation 08:43 Reframing "I'm a bad mom" into "I'm thinking I'm a bad mom," and treating self-care as a need in its own right 11:16 How Terese repairs with her kids differently than her mom ever did with her 13:02 A story about Terese's son voluntarily apologizing to a friend, unprompted 15:10 What's behind her son opening up more: feeling safe to tell the truth even when he's messed up 17:26 What community support added to the experience, beyond just information 19:46 An invitation to join the next Taming Your Triggers cohort