"Don't live your life based in fear. Be courageous." (Erica Komisar)
What if the deepest struggles we face as adults: anxiety, addiction, emotional emptiness, the constant need to prove ourselves, don't begin in adulthood at all? What if they begin in the earliest, most fragile years of life… when presence matters more than anything else?
In this powerful episode of SoulTalk, I sit down with renowned psychoanalyst and parenting expert Erica Komisar for a conversation that challenges many of the assumptions we've been taught about success, independence, and what it truly means to raise emotionally healthy children.
At the heart of this conversation is one radical and deeply confronting idea: human beings are born neurologically unfinished and the first three years of life are not optional when it comes to emotional development. Erica explains why a mother's physical presence acts as a child's external nervous system, how early emotional absence creates a quiet but lasting void, and why so many adults spend their lives unconsciously trying to fill it.
We explore the differences between maternal and paternal roles, and the biological intelligence behind nurturing and play. Erica also speaks candidly about the cost of modern pressures, professional ego, and cultural narratives that undervalue caregiving, and how these forces have reshaped families in ways we are only now beginning to understand.
Whether you are a parent, planning to become one, healing your own childhood, or simply curious about the roots of emotional well-being, this conversation will impact you.
Timestamps
- (00:01:50) – Erica explains why mothers and fathers should not compete to perform the same tasks.
- (00:03:53) – An exploration of the concept that human infants are born nine months "too early" in terms of neurological fragility and require total vulnerability.
- .(00:05:32) - How a mother's physical presence regulates a baby's heartbeat, breathing, and emotional regulation.
- (00:07:43) - Why a child first sees and understands themselves by looking into the mother's eyes.
- (00:09:37) - Understanding the biological drivers behind maternal nurturing.
- (00:11:14) - How fathers use physical play to teach children how to regulate high levels of excitement and aggression.
- (00:17:04) - Erica challenges the modern notion that a parent can be "emotionally present" during the first three years without being physically present.
- (00:19:32) - A discussion on how early emotional absence creates a vacuum that adults often try to fill with technology, drugs, or eating disorders.
- (00:21:26) - A courageous look at whether the "need" to work is driven by survival or by ego gratification and the desire for materialism.
- (00:26:00) - Encouraging mothers to let go of professional ego and consider a "mommy track" to prioritize the critical early years of their children.
- (00:30:03) - How the feminist movement's dismissal of caretaking as "unproductive" disrupted family structures and impacted the development of young men.
- (00:34:01) - Insights from Erica's new book on how to avoid treating children as "possessions" or "weapons" during a separation.
- (00:39:15) – Three Wisdoms for Life: Erica shares her ultimate lessons: prioritize relationships, value interdependence over independence, and live a life driven by courage rather than fear.
In this episode, you'll discover:
- Why the first three years of life are foundational to emotional regulation and mental health.
- How a parent's physical presence shapes a child's sense of safety, identity, and self-worth.
- Why emotional absence often shows up later as addiction, workaholism, or disconnection.
- The biological differences between maternal nurturing and paternal play and why both matter.
- A courageous reexamination of work, ego, and the fear of "falling behind".
- How to protect a child's emotional health during separation or divorce.
- Why interdependence, not hyper-independence, is the key to resilient human beings.
Questions I Ask
- What is the "Fourth Trimester" and why are we born nine months too early?
- Is parenting a competition or a team exercise?
- Can you really be "emotionally present" if you are physically absent?
- What is the true origin of our "voids" and addictions?
- When we say we "have to work," is it for survival or for the ego?
- How do we stop weaponizing our children during a divorce?
- Should we be raising our children for independence or interdependence?
- How do we heal the "Mother Hunger"?
Get in Touch:
• Website: www.komisar.com
• Books: Being There, Chicken Little, and her latest release, The Parents' Guide to Divorce.
- Resources with Kute Blackson:
