"You cannot be more of a friend to others than you are to yourself."
What if friendship wasn't meant to be effortless, but to make you more alive?
What if every relationship, especially the most challenging ones, was a portal into your own expansion?
In this episode of Soul Talk, I sit down with Barnet Bain, award-winning filmmaker, spiritual teacher, and author of How to Be a Friend in an Unfriendly World, to explore the sacred, often overlooked art of friending.
Barnet reveals a radical truth: Most of us think we're good friends, until the relationship becomes inconvenient. Until someone changes. Until life asks us to grow.
Together we dive into the real work of authentic connection, why unconditional love is often a myth we hide behind, how our unspoken emotional contracts quietly sabotage intimacy, and why true friendship requires a willingness to be changed by one another.
Barnet shares tender personal stories, including a powerful moment with his daughter that shattered his self-image and awakened him to the unconscious conditions he had placed on love. Through his wisdom, we explore how friendship becomes a spiritual practice, a living crucible where our wounds, triggers, and projections are not obstacles but invitations.
Listen to this episode and learn how to friend yourself, friend your wounds, friend your inner weather, and finally, friend others from a place of truth, not need.
Timestamps:
- (00:02:27) - What inspired Barnet's new book on friendship
- (00:04:22) - A wake-up call: Barnet's daughter confronts him
- (00:08:52) - What is a friend? A new definition
- (00:10:26) - Unspoken "contracts" in friendships
- (00:12:04) - Why true friendship requires being emotional and spiritual peers
- (00:17:28) - The "backpack" we all carry into relationships
- (00:20:28) - Friendship across generational or financial differences
- (00:21:38) - Friendship in a polarized world: Trump/Biden, identity, beliefs
- (00:22:06) - Becoming a friend to your inner world first
- (00:27:38) - Lucid living: becoming aware inside the "dream of life"
- (00:29:25) - How Barnet has sustained a 40-year marriage
- (00:32:35) - Honoring each other & being willing to be changed
- (00:35:22) - Why we lack models for friendship today
- (00:38:16) - How to know when a friendship is over
- (00:41:34) - What to do when you feel lonely or friendless
- (00:47:17) - Fun as medicine & small steps to connection
- (00:49:26) - Tools to deepen existing friendships
- (00:52:43) - The real function of a friend
Some Questions I Ask:
- What inspired you to write a book specifically about friendship?
- What is your definition of a friend?
- Is unconditional love real, or a myth?
- Can we truly be friends with someone who is in a different "bandwidth"?
- How do we maintain friendships in a politically divided and polarized world?
- What does it look like to "friend yourself"?
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
- How to recognize the hidden contracts and expectations you bring into relationships
- How to practice emotional maturity and presence in friendships
- How to build friendships based on equality, depth, and spiritual peer-ship
- How to navigate friendships across political or ideological differences
- How to cultivate long-term, intimate partnerships that grow with you
- Simple daily practices to help let go of friendships that have naturally dissolved
- How to start building connections even if you feel alone or disconnected
LINKS
BARNET BAIN'S URL: https://barnetbain.com
Get in Touch:
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