logo
episode-header-image
Feb 2024
1h 8m

How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs...

10% Happier
About this episode

New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.

---

What 40 years of research tells us about how to cultivate good relationships in our lives.

World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. 

In this episode we talk about:

  • how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict
  • what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together
  • why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism” 
  • the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced
  • how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice
  • how and why betrayal occurs
  • when a couple should consider separating 
  • the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships
  • and the role of humor in relationships.

Related Episodes:

Sign up for Dan’s weekly newsletter here

Follow Dan on social: Instagram, TikTok

Ten Percent Happier online bookstore

Subscribe to our YouTube Channel

Our favorite playlists on: Anxiety, Sleep, Relationships, Most Popular Episodes

For tickets to Dan Harris: Celebrating 10 Years of 10% Happier at Symphony Space: click here

Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/gottmans-418-rerun

Additional Resources:

Up next
Yesterday
Three Strategies for Getting Over Yourself | Joseph Goldstein
Every year, Joseph Goldstein does a three month silent meditation retreat by himself at his home in Massachusetts. In this conversation you're about to hear, Joseph had just emerged from one such retreat with a bunch of thoughts on what are called the three proliferating tendenci ... Show More
1h 16m
Oct 8
How To Find Calm in a World on Fire | Pico Iyer
The antidote to a noisy, chaotic world. Pico Iyer is the acclaimed and bestselling author of more than a dozen books translated into twenty-three languages, most recently the nationally bestselling Aflame: Learning from Silence. In this episode we talk about: Why and how Pico fou ... Show More
1h 9m
Oct 6
Are You a Grudge Holder or a Revenge Seeker? Here’s How It’s Hurting You – And How To Get Over It | James Kimmel, Jr.
The psychology and neuroscience of revenge. James Kimmel, Jr. is a lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine, an expert on revenge, a lawyer, and the founder and co-director of the Yale Collaborative for Motive Control Studies. He is the creator of The Nonjustice Syst ... Show More
1h 11m
Recommended Episodes
May 2023
The Art and Science of Building Healthy Relationships | Drs. John and Julie Gottman
Called the “Einsteins of Love,” Drs. John and Julie Gottman share their insights and strategies for building love and long-lasting relationships, offering a deep dive into the science of what makes relationships work - and thrive.John and Julie have been studying love for over fi ... Show More
1 h
Jan 2020
Why Certain Relationships Work
“Conflict is really what sharpens our ability to love,” says John Gottman, PhD, who is the cofounder, with his wife Julie, of the Gottman Institute for relationships. (They’re also coauthors of the new book, Eight Dates.)Today, they join Elise Loehnen to share the tools for commu ... Show More
54m 17s
May 2024
How to Keep the Spark Alive: Secrets from 40 Years of Love Research with Drs. Julie and John Gottman
What makes love last decades instead of years? After studying thousands of couples, Drs. Julie and John Gottman discovered what separates the masters from the disasters. Learn their research-backed secrets, like the 5:1 magic ratio, bids for connection, and the 4 horsemen to avoi ... Show More
1h 4m
Apr 2023
2 Ways to Deepen Your Connection with Your Partner & The Key to Strong and Lasting Relationships
Today, I talk to John and Julie Gottman to discuss how to strengthen relationships. Dr. Julie and John share their thoughts on why we should stop being the person who we think our partners like and start being our genuine selves, what can we do to build and/or improve intimacy wi ... Show More
1h 6m
Feb 2024
526: Relationship red flags & how to find The One | John Gottman, Ph.D. & Julie Gottman, Ph.D., the world’s leading relationship experts
“If you're dealing with an issue, don't describe your partner. Describe yourself, your feelings, and your needs," says Julie Gottman, Ph.D.Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts and founders of the Gottman Institute, join us to discuss how to know if your par ... Show More
57m 56s
Mar 2024
The Gottman Doctors: "Women Tend to Be More Unhappily Married", 96% Of Non-Cuddlers Have An Awful Sex Life & Why One Night Stands Are Dangerous!
If over half of marriages end in divorce, what are the skills to make sure your relationship stays in the successful 50%? Drs. John and Julie Gottman are world leading relationship researchers that have been studying couples for over 40 years, publishing over 200 academic journal ... Show More
2h 6m
Feb 2023
The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman
What makes for a loving relationship that lasts? For over 40 years Drs. John and Julie Gottman have devoted their life to answering this question with the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships. Through studying thousands of couples, publishing ove ... Show More
1h 29m
Jun 2022
TMHS 594: Unlock More Happiness, Health, & Success In Your Relationships - With Jairek Robbins
“The giving of love is an education in itself.” - Eleanor Roosevelt I believe that our relationships are one of the most influential factors in determining our mental health, success, and overall well-being in life. No matter your relationship status or personality type, communic ... Show More
1h 30m
Mar 2020
Episode 1: Sex, Love, and Relationship Advice from Drs. John and Julie Gottman
For the first episode of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, I sat down with two relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They are the founders of The Gottman Institute and they have been studying sex and relationships for decades. The Gottmans have published a number of in ... Show More
28m 11s
May 2019
Inside the Love Lab | Julie & John Gottman
Love. What makes it work? And, keep working for life?That's where we're headed in today's conversation with legendary co-founders of the Gottman Institute a/k/a the "Love Lab," Julie and John Gottman. Drawing upon Julie's decades of clinical observations and John's 40 years of br ... Show More
1h 17m