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So you’ve finally put your foot down. Maybe you’ve kicked the narcissist to the curb or cut ties with toxic family members. After much prayer and soul searching, you’re ready to move on.
But before you can cue the confetti, you get the message, “I’ve changed.”
Could this be the turnaround you’ve been praying for? Or just another tool in their manipulation toolbox?
That confusion is why I want to talk to you today about the three powerful clues that will show you that this person has actually changed, as well as the ONE thing that guarantees they haven’t.
I think of relationships with toxic people like a garden that was once beautiful and vibrant with so much potential, but that is now completely wilted and shriveled.
Some people would walk past this garden and think nothing of it. Either they don’t recognize the garden is dying, or worse, they just don’t care.
But run-down gardens don’t happen by accident. They’re a result of neglect and maybe even abuse.
The hurt you experience in relationships doesn’t happen by accident, either.
Clue #1: Recognition
If your relationship is like a garden where all the plants are either dying or dead, both parties need to recognize that (a) there’s a problem, and (b) that each person has contributed to the problem.
Typically, people who have sinned against you won’t recognize their role in creating the problem. And if you try to point out the ways they have contributed, you will most likely be accused of nagging and holding on to the past, when all you are seeking is acknowledgment of the actions that brought this beautiful garden to this awful place.
If you have been in a relationship with a toxic gardener, you need to hear them own their contributions. Don’t settle for mere recognition that the relationship is withering on the vine.
When recognition is present, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. It might be a mess but at least you can see where you’re going and what needs to be done.
Clue #2: Repentance
Clue #2 is what so many of us long for, beg for, and argue over.
My client, Crystal made the mistake of demanding it from her mother who would belittle her in front of others but call it ‘mothering.’ Crystal was 56. She didn’t need ‘mothering.’ She needed her mother to say the words she so longed to hear. And they weren’t “I love you.” They were the words “I’m sorry.”
But Crystal’s mother didn’t even recognize that was she was doing was wrong. Instead, she justified her behavior and even blamed Crystal for ‘making’ her behave this way because she not obeying her mother.
But clue #2 is more than just hearing those two magic words. It’s about repentance.
What's the difference?
Do you remember when you were a kid and you’d get into a fight with another student at school and the principal would take you both into the office, make you shake hands, say you’re sorry and make up?
Yeah, that’s not repentance.
Words of apology alone hold no more power than someone claiming they believe in God but don’t live a life that follows Him.
Repentance is a deep regret over the pain you’ve caused and the extreme effort to turn in the other direction.
It’s not, “sorry,” “I’m sorry,” “I’m sorry, if only you…,” or “I’m sorry YOU,” or any other deflecting, devaluing statement that's meant to sound like and apology.
It begins with I'm sorry “I” and continues to move forward to the next phase. In o