I believe that healthy sexual behavior and relationships are possible for the next generation if we are just willing as parents to put in the work.
One of the biggest issues with teen dating is a lack of foundation work in the primary years and parents being too hands-off with their teens. 16 is the age when most kids gain a lot more freedom, they start driving and being more independent but it is also a time when kids tend to be most at risk.
We don’t need to treat our teens like adults. They are still developing and no matter how awesome, responsible, and studious they may be they are still human and have raging hormones.
The concept that kids deserve privacy is a new concept that has really hurt our kids, parents need to be involved in the things they are doing. We need to monitor their texts and social media and have clear and consistent boundaries on how they spend their time. They need to have consistent bedtimes and screen time limits. These boundaries are not an infringement on their rights, this is active parenting.
If we want our kids to have healthy friendships and dating relationships we need to help them by creating boundaries they cant create on their own. When adolescents spend too much time with their peers they are at risk for enmeshment, there needs to be a time to disconnect with their peers and connect with their families every day. An example of risky behaviors includes staying up all night on the phone - sometimes even “sleeping together” with phones connected at night, and dating teens being allowed to spend time alone together without supervision. This isn’t about control, this is about setting a standard. Kids can only do what we allow them to do, If we give them all the freedom in the world we can't expect them not to abuse it.
The concept that teenagers want nothing to do with their parents is false. Do they want more autonomy to discover who they are, sure, but they still very much need a connection with mom and dad. They need to know that we are big enough and strong enough to protect and guide them, that gives them security. Their pushback is often a miscue which can make it difficult to recognize what they really need but it is important to remember that what they say they want isn't always aligned with what they need.
Boundaries actually allow our kids to have more freedom - if we are checking in with them and are involved in their lives there is greater security, trust and less temptation for them to cross lines that will hurt them.
Get to know the people your kids are gravitating toward. Instead of being afraid of allowing connection think of it as an opportunity to have greater influence; the bonus is getting to know another great kid and building a relationship with someone your child values. Having a relationship with the people your kids like helps them feel valued but it also increases the level of respect that their people have for you and your boundaries as parents.
Get to know the parents. This applies to all ages, being involved and setting the tone early on can really impact the kind of people and relationships your child pursues later on.
Rather than it being an age consider making It more a matter of character. Dating criteria should be based on your childs level of maturity, respect, and responsibility.
You get to set the tone for what your child's relationships look like, remember they need you to set them up for success by preventing opportunities for them to cross boundaries that they are developmentally unable to avoid on their own.
Do not take their behaviors personally. Kids are imperfect humans just like the rest of us. They will make mistakes and curiosity and poor self-control may win over sometimes but that does not mean they are doomed or that you have failed as a parent.
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