Most sources agree that the average age of virginity loss in the United State is 16. Not surprisingly one of the main factors attributed to early sex is a lack of sex education at school and at home. You may also find it interesting that boys generally lose their virginity first followed by girls.
You may be wondering why I am focusing on dating as a precursor to talking about sex with your kids, but think about it attraction and dating actually come first which is a fact that is largely overlooked when we think of sex education for our children?
Why is the concept of dating so important? If we have a casual attitude toward the relationships our kids keep at any age we are walking a dangerous path. The relationships that they form early in life have a significant impact on the kind of relationships they will have as adults.
It may be uncomfortable but putting our heads in the sand about the power of attraction for our primary-aged kids does nothing but hurt them.
Rather than seeing this as scary or inappropriate, I want to encourage you to see this as an amazing opportunity to guide your kids on how to navigate their relationships with the opposite sex.
For some of you, the idea of your kids starting to explore their sexuality or having relationships is a trigger. If you find that you feel paranoid, angry, or overly emotional when you think about it, that is an indication that you have unresolved trauma of your own. When we have had bad experiences as children it isn’t uncommon to project that onto our kids. It is important to get some therapy and love yourself and your kids enough to resolve those issues so that you can be present for them in their unique experiences.
Whether you realize it or not, taking a casual stance toward dating often equates to a casual view of sex for our kids. I say this because sex is a big part of their world, it is everywhere for them.
That saying “ everyone is doing it” is not too far from the truth. It is abnormal to be a virgin past the 10th grade and instead of wearing virginity with pride as kids did back in the day, these kids are actually afraid of ridicule from their peers. That is a heavy burden to bear but if we are intentional about instilling confidence, understanding, and values our kids will be well equipped to withstand the lashings of popular culture.
So how do we do this? First, we must not be afraid of our kids liking other kids, shame and fear culture has done significant damage to Christians and that trend can stop with our kids. Being anxious or paranoid teaches our kids that they need to hide their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
We need to be intentional about instilling values into how our kids see the people they are attracted to. Challenging them to look for values, qualities, and spiritual similarities over physical appearance and status.
It is not uncommon for adults to view crushes, dating, and adolescent relationships as a phase or no big deal but statistics show otherwise. There is a fair number of people who wind up marrying their Middle School or High School sweetheart and a growing number of people are marrying someone they dated as an adolescent following a divorce.
Humans are creatures of habit and we tend to go back to what we know and are comfortable with, early relationships have an imprinting effect.
One way that we can guide our kids is by teaching them that every relationship is an interview for their future spouse.
Incorporating spiritual leadership is extremely important. Pray with your kids for their future spouse. Begin instilling a sense of love and care for the person they will eventually meet and spend the rest of their lives with. Encourage your kids at any age to pray for and with their friends and their love interests.
Finally, openly share with your kids all the ways that God has shown up in your own marriage!