802: How Leaders Turn Conflict Into Prog...

Priya Parker: The Art of Fighting

Priya Parker is a facilitator, strategic advisor, bestselling author of The Art of Gathering, and executive producer and host of the New York Times podcast, Together Apart. Trained in the field of conflict resolution, she has spent 20 years guiding leaders and groups through complicated conversations about community, identity, and vision at moments of transition. She is the author of the new book, The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict (Amazon, Bookshop)*.

Often we assume that good leaders and good teams don’t fight. In this conversation, Priya tells us that, “Fighting is not the death of community. It is its lifeblood.” We explore how to turn conflict into progress.

Key Points

• Even experts who handle group conflict often find it challenging, fearful, and unsettling.
• Becoming a durable, sustainable group does not happen without a fight.
• One of the biggest myths that hold leaders back is that “good” people and “good” groups don’t fight.
• There’s a seniority caveat to conflict. Leaders often confuse what needs to be felt with what needs to be said.
• It’s a lie to believe that “if only” one thing hadn’t happened that conflict would not have occurred. If it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.
• Milestones, transitions, schedule changes, and celebrations are often triggering events for conflict. Instead of thinking, “This is the worst timing,” expect conflict at these times.

Resources Mentioned

• The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict by Priya Parker (Amazon, Bookshop)*

Interview Notes

Download my interview notes in PDF format (free membership required).

Related Episodes

• How to Create Meaningful Gatherings, with Priya Parker (episode 395)
• The Way Out of Major Conflict, with Amanda Ripley (episode 529)
• How to Help Difficult Conversations Go Better, with Sheila Heen (episode 655)

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