What comes up for you when you think about conflict?
For most of us, our reaction to real or perceived conflict happens before we even realize it or know why.
The way we respond to conflict is shaped by our histories and temperaments, and it shapes how we lead ourselves and others. And if you have a fraught relationship with conflict, the real work isn’t becoming comfortable with conflict, it’s learning to stay with discomfort when you experience friction, rejection, or blowback.
We have to learn not to personalize disagreement and update our internal narratives, coping strategies, and protective systems so that we can show up with more vulnerability, but without taking ourselves out.
Easier said than done, as my guest today can attest. Ross Oakes Mueller is a dear friend, colleague, and psychology professor and researcher, who describes himself as conflict-avoidant by temperament. He joins me for a conversation reflecting on his regular rumble with conflict avoidance, what it really means to forgive, and what keeps us stuck in patterns of avoidance, resentment, and disconnection.
Dr. Ross A. Oakes Mueller is a Professor of Psychology at Point Loma Nazarene University, where he has taught since 2007. His teaching and research focus on moral psychology and character development, with courses exploring virtue formation, moral emotions, the science of moral change, and the integration of psychological science with narrative and literary perspectives to foster empathy, self-understanding, and prosocial growth.
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