logo
episode-header-image
Mar 2025
1h 14m

The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice: Why P...

Dave Asprey
About this episode

You hold the door open. You say yes when you mean no. You put others first—always. It feels like the right thing to do… but is it costing you more than you realize? 

In this episode, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.—Columbia professor, psychologist, and author of Rise Above—joins Dave Asprey to expose the psychology of victim vs. empowerment mindsets. He reveals how toxic altruism, external validation, and emotional fragility keep people stuck—and how you can reclaim your confidence, set boundaries, and create a life of true growth

Dr. Kaufman, one of the world’s most cited scientists, shares cutting-edge research on self-actualization, resilience, and the hidden mental loops that shape your success. If you’ve ever felt stuck in self-doubt, drained from over-giving, or afraid to take up space, this conversation will help you break free


What You’ll Discover in This Episode: 

Victim vs. empowerment mindset—the key shift that changes everything 

• The psychological traps of toxic altruism—and why over-giving holds you back 

• How people-pleasing rewires your brain—and how to break the cycle 

• The science of self-actualization—how to unlock your full potential without guilt 

• Why modern culture and social media reward emotional fragility—and how to rise above it 

• The neuroscience behind confidence, resilience, and making better choices for YOUR growth 


If you’ve ever felt stuck, undervalued, or drained from always being “nice”, this episode will show you how to step into your power, rewrite your mental programming, and take control of your future. 


SPONSORS 

-Quantum Upgrade | Go to https://quantumupgrade.io/Dave for a free trial. 

-Timeline | Head to https://www.timeline.com/dave to get 10% off your first order. 


Resources:  

A Day of Biohacking and Consciousness Event: https://daveasprey.com/biohacking-and-consciousness/ 

Dave Asprey’s New Book - Heavily Meditated: https://daveasprey.com/heavily-meditated/ 

Scott’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/scottbarrykaufman/?hl=en 

Scott's New Book – Rise Above:https://scottbarrykaufman.com/books/rise-above/ 

Danger Coffee: https://dangercoffee.com 

Dave Asprey’s Website: https://daveasprey.com 

Dave Asprey’s Linktree: https://linktr.ee/daveasprey 

Upgrade Collective – Join The Human Upgrade Podcast Live: https://www.ourupgradecollective.com 

Own an Upgrade Labs: https://ownanupgradelabs.com 

Upgrade Labs: https://upgradelabs.com 

40 Years of Zen – Neurofeedback Training for Advanced Cognitive Enhancement: https://40yearsofzen.com 


Timestamps: 

• 00:00 Trailer 

• 00:44 Intro  

• 02:02 Rise Above – Scott’s New Book 

• 03:13 Triggers and Mind Control 

• 05:12 Victimhood and Self-Actualization 

• 12:01 Curiosity Over Fear 

• 16:32 The Power of Discernment 

• 26:32 Emotional Resilience Today 

• 31:12 The Fragility of Younger Generations 

• 37:33 Social Pressures and Identity 

• 39:47 Social Media and Self-Determination 

• 40:35 Community and Belonging 

• 42:42 Activating Happiness and Growth 

• 44:43 Gratitude and Daily Practices 

• 51:48 Healthy Selfishness vs. Altruism 

• 58:56 Codependency and Vulnerable Narcissism 

• 01:04:57 The Dark Triad and Personality Types 

• 01:09:14 Final Thoughts and Book Recs 

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Up next
May 22
Ayurveda Meets Biohacking: 5000-Year-Old Medicine Secrets for Modern Stress | Mona Sharma : 1284
This episode reveals the ancient health protocols Western medicine forgot, and how they are now being used to heal stress, rewire the nervous system, and radically improve human performance. Watch this episode on YouTube for the full video experience: https://www.youtube.com/@Dav ... Show More
59m 11s
May 20
The Biohacker’s Guide to CIA Mind Control & Brainwashing : 1283
You’re being programmed, and it’s more subtle and pervasive than you think. From invisible influence to psychological manipulation, this episode shows you how to recognize when your thoughts aren’t really yours. Host Dave Asprey uncovers the hidden science of mind control with Ha ... Show More
1h 3m
May 16
Military Tech Goes Public: Think 30% Faster with This Brain Hack | Geoffrey Woo : 1282
Your brain runs slow when it’s running on the wrong fuel. In this episode of The Human Upgrade, Dave Asprey sits down with Geoffrey Woo, Stanford-trained computer scientist and founder of Ketone-IQ, to reveal the high-performance brain fuel once reserved for Special Forces and el ... Show More
1h 26m
Recommended Episodes
May 29
#947 - Scott Barry Kaufman - How To Not Let Your Past Define You
Scott Barry Kaufman is a Psychologist at Columbia University, a writer and podcaster. Why is victim culture so common in the West? Everyone’s been hurt, so it’s easy to claim victimhood, so why has it become a core identity and how do we honour pain without being defined by it? E ... Show More
1h 17m
Jun 30
#961 - Mark Manson - 19 Raw Lessons To Not Mess Up Your Life
Mark Manson is a writer, entrepreneur, and a New York Times best-selling author. Mark is one of my favorite thinkers. His blog, books, and X account are packed with timeless lessons I come back to again and again. Today, we get to go through some of his best lessons on life, love ... Show More
2h 11m
Aug 2024
Dr. Martha Beck: Access Your Best Self With Mind-Body Practices, Belief Testing & Imagination
In this episode, my guest is Dr. Martha Beck, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained sociologist, bestselling author, and one of the world’s foremost experts on personal exploration and development. Dr. Beck shares specific frameworks and practices to tap into your unique and deepest desires, ... Show More
2h 44m
May 29
The Thought Pattern That’s Secretly Killing Your Momentum
If you keep telling yourself you're not good enough, not ready, or not capable—your momentum will stall before it ever truly begins. In this energizing episode, Brendon Burchard reveals the hidden cost of always being “on” and why never pausing can actually diminish your creativi ... Show More
13m 1s
May 19
Gary Zukav: How To Manifest Your Soul’s Deepest Desires & Awaken To The New Consciousness
Leave an Amazon Rating or Review for my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Gary Zukav's journey from sex addiction to spiritual awakening reveals the transformative power of authentic choice. The four-time New York Times bestselling author shares how he evolved from ... Show More
2h 10m
Jul 3
When Burnout Isn’t From Hustle, it's THIS
This clip is from Brendon's 2hr training in ⁠GrowthDay app⁠. Get the full training by becoming a member: ⁠https://growthday.go.link/dbaZp⁠ Are you feeling utterly drained, believing it's just the relentless pace of life? What if your burnout isn't about working too hard, but abou ... Show More
18m 4s
Mar 2025
Mark Manson: The Psychological Skills To Master For Fulfilling Relationships, Inner Peace & Abundance
Get my new book Make Money Easy here!Bestselling author Mark Manson returns for his fourth appearance on the School of Greatness to reveal why self-awareness might be our most critical psychological skill. From torpedoing his early relationships to building a marriage that thrive ... Show More
1h 5m
Dec 2024
The Science Of Manifestation: How To Transform Your Energy To Change Your Reality
Today's powerful masterclass brings together Dr Joe Dispenza, Dr. Tara Swart, David Ghiyam, and Dr. James Doty to explore the fascinating intersection of neuroscience, spirituality, and manifestation. We dive deep into how our brain chemistry affects relationships, the science be ... Show More
1h 25m
Dec 2024
2024 GREATS: 925: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Feeling Guilty with Dr. Aziz Gazipura
Dr. Aziz Gazipura explains the dangers of people-pleasing tendencies and shares actionable steps for overcoming it.  — YOU’LL LEARN — 1) The massive costs of being a people-pleaser2) How to not feel guilty when saying no3) A surprising strategy to build your discomfort tolerance  ... Show More
44m 18s
Jan 2025
How To Build An Indestructible Mindset That Will Allow You To Achieve Anything
Join me for a powerful masterclass on developing a strong mindset with two exceptional guests. First, legendary athletic trainer Tim Grover breaks down what most people misunderstand about success, sharing insights from working with elite athletes like Michael Jordan and Kobe Bry ... Show More
1h 4m