574 Is it OK to ask to meet my metamour?

My boyfriend and I transitioned from a don't-ask-don't-tell relationship to full honest, transparent polyamory. Now I want to meet my formerly DADT metamour when she comes to visit him next month. Is that OK?

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• Studies showing the best stats on how many people have practiced non-monogamy at some point in their lives. Around 20-21% have practiced consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives; 4% of relationships are open in some way; and 4-5% of the population of the United States was currently involved in a CNM relationship
• Keep in mind that 5% of the current US population identifies at GLBT, with 8.2% of millennials self-identifying at GLBT

Soft Shell Crabby writes in to say she’s 43 and her boyfriend is 42, and they’ve been together for four years. They did a don’t-ask-don’t-tell (DADT) style of nonmonogamy for a while, but they ended up becoming so deeply involved that they talked about being more open, honest, and transparent with each other. He confessed that he’d been poly before but had avoided bringing it up to avoid the tough conversations that would inevitably follow.

He also has a pre-arranged sexy-time visit set up with a girlfriend who was flying in from New York, and Soft Shell Crabby now wants to meet that metamour. She asks if it’s unreasonable to ask for to meet her formerly DADT metamour, and by the way what should she do about the fact that the metamour is cheating on her husband with SSC’s boyfriend? SSC feels like her boyfriend gets to call all the shots.

• Everything you feel is reasonable and OK.
• He isn’t getting to call all the shots. You get to call your shots; your boyfriend gets to call his shot; your metamour gets to call her shots.
• It’s not a good idea to ask a partner to deliver a message to another partner. Direct communication is better.
• It IS a good idea to ask for what you want (to meet her), with the understanding that she has the right to say no.
• Is there something within the power of your partner to give that would alleviate your feelings? Do YOU want a threesome/group sex like he’s having with her? Ask him to arrange it for you!
• How do you forgive your boyfriend for this unethical behavior? First, focus on your limits, not his behavior. Can you be in a relationship with someone who facilitates cheating? If not, you have the right to leave. Second, the way you “forgive your man for conducting his relationships in an unethical manner” is to exercise understanding of the pattern of behavior (he also hid his desire for poly from you) and to exercise compassion. Third, most people have cheated at some point. Consider exercising more compassion and less judgment.
• This is a good time to decide what you need at the very minimum in terms of contact from your metamours. You may need a higher or lower level of contact, but this is a good time to explore that and figure out what you need to be happy.

Johnny shared a moment in which he picked out his girlfriend’s birthday gift with his wife. And his girlfriend’s husband reached out to Johnny as a poly newbie to see if Johnny needed anything for the big birthday get together!

Jessica gives feedback on episode 573 about using the term “nerd blackface.” We address two concerns: (1) that by using the term “blackface” to refer to nerds, we devalue the power of the original term, which we agree with and (2) that the term doesn’t apply to The Big Bang Theory, which we disagree with. The latter is based on a large group of people who self-identify as nerds and do find the term applies, and we are not comfortable dismissing the critique of that group of people.

Welcome Camilla to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

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