Making the decision to divorce is a challenging time for any woman who is facing her husband’s addiction or emotional abuse.
Anne Blythe, M.Ed. and Caroline talk about complexities surrounding her decision to divorce, shedding light on the profound impact of her husband’s pornography addiction. If you’re struggling with the impact of your husband’s addiction, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.
Caroline’s journey began with awareness of her husband’s secret explicit online materials use, a revelation that unfolded over the course of their relationship. Initially, she had difficulty articulating the reasons behind her divorce.
One critical element in Caroline’s journey is the revelation that addiction is not isolated; it often fuels other destructive and abusive behaviors. She enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine her husband’s true character, and began using emotional and psychological safety strategies.
Many victims of betrayal and abuse can identify red flags after they’re already married or pursuing separation or divorce. Often, those who don’t understand abuse will covertly blame victims for identifying red flags “too late” or choosing to “ignore” red flags. It’s important to understand that most abusers are master-manipulators and mimic healthy behaviors to lure victims in.
If you are now identifying red flags, please understand that it isn’t your fault for “not seeing them sooner.”
To know if you’re seeing red flags in your marriage, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
Anne: I have Caroline on the podcast today. She is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery client who recently made the decision to divorce. So we’ll talk to her about her experience.
Welcome Caroline. What is your response when people ask you why you divorced?
Caroline: Although I knew about my husband’s addiction from the beginning, I didn’t know what that entailed.
Anne: Is it a triggery experience to talk about it with people wondering why you got divorced?
Caroline: It’s definitely like a panic zone, because you don’t know how people react. Some people are educated on addiction, and others believe it’s normal. So the reactions vary. It’s only been in the past few months that I feel like I can actually say the word pornography when talking about my divorce.
Anne: You mentioned you knew about his use while you were dating. Or before you married. Did you see any other red flags?
Caroline: As I thought about it post divorce. I was surprised at how many silent red flags in my relationship there actually were. Some of those narcissistic traits were that our dates were always extremely lavish and expensive. And it seemed he just had untapped funds from the get go, date one.
He would hardly give me any time alone. And always stayed by me, knowing what I was up to, surprise visits. He would fake sick at work just to come see me. It seemed like he almost forced himself into my life. And he flattered me at the time, I thought, wow, this guy likes me. He’s so cute, he’s got all this money. He’s got a good job. But now I see it as him controlling and insecure, and kind of practicing those narcissistic traits.
Caroline: Yeah, he was a strong member of his church until a few months before we met. And he said a lot about his inactivity in the church. He made a lot of excuses. Like how they treated him unfairly. He undermined his parents while still having them in the palm of his hand.
He constantly seeks praise and validation, down to like the littlest things. If he wiped off the counter, he would say, hey look, look what I did, I wiped off the counter. Just fed off of what other people thought of him constantly.
Anne: I was just thinking about my ex. He contacted some people in my life. Because he was trying to find information about filing taxes before we divorced while we separated. He said things like I love Anne so much. I need to make sure I do this for her. And how amazing he was for filing the taxes.
Like he felt like he needed tons of praise for just like everyday normal things. That literally he had to do, like if he hadn’t done it, he would have been breaking the law. And it’s like, you’re not going to get a ton of praise for filing your taxes. Every person has to do that. Like, I don’t know why you’re the hero for filing taxes. Women need education about narcissistic behaviors that is super important, especially if they are making the decision to divorce.
So that they can know, that was not a man being completely and totally in love with me. That is love bombing. That’s about them, not about me. This is an unsafe situation. I need to take a step back. Which is, what woman wouldn’t want to be love bombed.
Anne: We see that in romantic comedies. Our culture tells us that when you meet the right person, amazing things will happen. That amazing situation, meant for a romantic comedy, is like narcissistic love bombing.
Caroline: Yeah, exactly, I really saw him and me creating a family. And becoming a mother and him becoming a father. He talked about all sorts of different things when it came to family and being a major influence and support. To his own mom, who was a widow.
Many times where I saw an authentic reaction to what he was doing, sadness for what he had done. And then the next day it would be like that realization never happened. So I definitely believe he knew what was happening and what was going on. A lot of the mourning is because you do see their potential. Somebody told me during my decision to divorce, as I had many confusing and conflicting thoughts.
Because you feel like such a relief, but then you miss them and you mourn the loss of that potential in that person. You can see it so clearly after spending time with that person, and it’s so hard because you want to take them by the shoulders and shake them. And tell them, hey. I believe in you, see you, hear you and love you. You’ve got all this untapped potential right there.
One thing that helped incredibly with boundaries. Where before I thought of marriage as a free for all when it comes to each other’s feelings. Because well, you married him. But boundaries are good even inside a marriage to keep yourself safe.
Anne: Especially when you married someone who makes sad choices and you’re making the decision to divorce.
Caroline: Yes.
Caroline: I wish I had known that addiction fuels other behaviors. I wish I had known more of the emotional and physical consequences of that addiction. I wish I had known to prioritize my needs and desires. And to have this lesser sense of urgency when it comes to getting married. That it would be okay to just take our time.
I think another big thing for me was that I didn’t need to settle just because he was showing interest in me. Instead, I wish I had realized that I can have everything I want in a man and deserve the full package.
Anne: At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, when we say the full package, what we mean is someone who is not abusive.
Caroline: Yeah, isn’t that ironic?
Anne: We’re not looking for a professional soccer player or an ex Navy SEAL, and a million dollar business. No, no, no, that’s not what we’re talking about. We are talking about a man with whom we can partner, who is not abusive.
Caroline: Yeah, for sure. Just somebody that’s on the same track that I am, you know, I want a lot out of my life.
Anne: So let’s talk about your age for a minute. We’ve had women on the podcast and BTR.ORG clients from all ages and situations. Caroline, how old are you?
Caroline: I just turned 22.
Anne: And how long were you married?
Caroline: Three years almost to the day. I was 18 when I married.
Anne: And no children now?
Caroline: No kids.
Caroline: One of the biggest things that has helped me heal through my decision to divorce is affirmations. They are posted all over my apartment, just small things that remind me of who I am and where I want to be. Divorce does not define me, or that it wasn’t a failure either. I’ve also found it super helpful in the last little bit to share my story.
There are so many people my age who have been married for one to three years that are finding themselves in the same place in the neighborhood I grew up in. They’re between two years younger than me and two years older than me. There were 11 of us who are married, and six of us are now divorced. It’s been super helpful for me to reach out to them and ask how long it takes to heal from my husband’s emotional abuse and share our thoughts, feelings, and progress. And that’s been super helpful.
Caroline: So six of them are now divorced.
Anne: One thing I find concerning right now is that young people think that if they talk about it, they can somehow avoid it. That has not been my experience. In fact, many of the thousands and thousands of wives I’ve talked to, had many conversations with their boyfriends and fiancés about it. They users lie, conversation about it or asking the right questions will not lead us to the truth, usually.
The only thing that will lead us to the truth is observing their behaviors and getting in touch with what do I need? When do I feel safe? Who am I? Being in our own recovery space, so that we can observe those unhealthy behaviors in someone else.
Caroline: Yes
Anne: For example, many people think, well, if I am open and kind, and I don’t shame the person, then it will give them a better opportunity to tell the truth. I think that is the wrong way to go, because we’re still trying to “help” that person or manage that person. They literally need to be honest. Whether their wife or girlfriend is angry, happy, or sad, their honesty cannot, should not depend on the way their wife reacts.
Caroline: Absolutely.
Anne: And right now, when people talk about addiction, it is floating around that women have the responsibility to not be too angry. Or too shaming, or too this or that, and if they do that, great! Then he will open up, and that puts the blame of his lying on her where it does not belong. It is fully his responsibility to tell the truth, regardless of how she reacts.
Caroline: Yes, for sure.
Anne: Betrayal Trauma Recovery does not advocate for divorce. I did not want to make a decision to divorce. I felt strongly that I needed to set boundaries to be safe. So I set a very firm no contact boundary, and also didn’t file for divorce. I’m sure you’ve heard other people say, if you set these boundaries, you’re going to end up divorced. Like it’s your fault, rather than setting boundaries for safety. And if they still abuse you, it’s still their fault that the divorce is happening.
What do you say to people who might ask you. You’re divorced now, and you went to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I guess, Betrayal Trauma Recovery believes in divorce. What would you say to them?
Caroline: Well, my first reaction is laughing, because before I went to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, which is the best betrayal trauma support group. I definitely wanted to make things work. But I was exhausted and had put off scheduling for a long time, because I was nervous and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. The best thing that happened was that my Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach helped me identify my core values. So that all my decisions should be made based on those core values that I established.
It was very explicit that Betrayal Trauma Recovery is not an advocate for divorce, but that we should also ensure that we’re in a safe situation. And so the decision to divorce came from me. In fact, when I told my Betrayal Trauma Recovery coach, she was surprised I made the decision to divorce.
Anne: And did you feel supported by your coach?
Caroline: Yes, I definitely felt support from her. The support was to help identify myself, work through and make progress. It was, you’re a strong woman. You can do anything that you put your mind to. And you know, that said it all. After talking with my coach for the first and second time, we talked about boundaries, and I came up with some boundaries that I was going to set with my ex husband. And once the boundaries were set in place, things took a different turn.
It made him upset, much more abusive, a different side to my ex-husband that I never had seen. And so to me, setting a simple boundary. We saw his true colors.
Anne: Was it shocking to you?
Caroline: Oh yeah, I had never seen him react that way, just completely livid. He’d never really yelled at me like that, but was throwing things.
Caroline: Just completely different than I had ever seen him before. And this wasn’t a boundary of no physical contact. We had been seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction. And the therapist told me that my ex-husband would have to make the appointments from here on out.
Because at that time, for months and months, I was the one making appointments and taking him. To the appointments, the therapist said nothing will change until he wants to do this. So, the boundary was set: You need to make your own appointments to see this therapist. That’s when he blew up.
Anne: When I realized my husband was as abusive as he was, and I hadn’t seen it as abuse, I was shocked. When I found out how abusive he was. And when I was managing him and when I was not setting boundaries, I don’t think I ever would have seen abusiveness. It sounds like that was a moment for you where you’re like, whoa, he’s abusive.
Caroline: This is a very simple thing. That’s all I’m asking you. And it was just chaos. Trying to ask him to do very simple things
Anne: Without being totally berated, yeah.
Caroline: That reminds me when I was barely discovering Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I was surfing around on your website to get some more information. And there was a list of behaviors and examples of gaslighting on your website. And consequently, I’m sitting at work in front of my computer and reading these.
Caroline: I just had the biggest epiphanies, every sentence listed, every bullet point was like yes, this is how I felt. I’ve never been able to put words to it. That’s the moment I decided, okay, something has to change. And I’ve got to get help to figure out what needs to happen and change. But I just remember reading those, it was huge for me.
And when people ask me about BTR.ORG or my divorce, and then they go into their own struggles with their spouse, who is a user, I always refer them to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It’s the same reaction I can see on their face. Every time it’s just, oh my goodness, this is putting into words what I’ve never been able to say.
Anne: I think it goes from knowing that your husband uses explicit material, being frustrated about it, and trying to figure that out. To realize that you’re in an abusive relationship. And maybe you will be making a decision to divorce.
Caroline: Yeah, I never would have classified it as an abusive relationship until then.
Anne: Yeah, so the shift from I’m worried about my husband. He uses explicit material, and it hurts me. To say he is abusive is one of the most traumatizing shifts in paradigm. But once that shift in paradigm happens, women are like, okay, so I need to set boundaries. Because all the love service and forgiveness will not help the situation.
Caroline: Right, absolutely.
Anne: You found Betrayal Trauma Recovery at 22. There are some women who find BTR.ORG at 40 after 20 years of marriage. There are some who find it at 50 after 30 years of marriage. Or women who find it after 2 or 3 divorces. What are you watching for in your future relationships?
Caroline: The biggest thing I watch for is how they treat me and themselves. How they take care of themselves and their sense of personal wellness. I definitely don’t have it like honed down yet. Because I still have belief issues or trust issues. How they interact with other people if they’re constantly seeking validation or having to be the center of the conversation, or reverting stories back to them, and interrupting people. The characteristics of narcissism are definitely what I look for.
Something I do regularly is write about my thoughts. I don’t hide from that place of asking the hard questions of myself, or facing the trauma. So if I am triggered, I like to come home at the end of the day and write about it. And sometimes I keep it, and sometimes I throw it away as a symbolic gesture. I’m done with you, done with this feeling. I notice that I’m much more self aware of my thoughts now that I decided to divorce.
You know, exercise and being outside have helped astronomically throughout the process of feeling whole again, able and strong, just staying connected to my feelings.
Anne: It sounds like also just staying connected to reality.
Caroline: Yeah.
Anne: Because to be with an active user who’s abusing you. You’re either always fighting with them, so there’s like this constant chaos. Or you sort of have to live in their reality, which is not reality. I remember one day I walked out of the house and was walking outside, and I looked up and felt the sun on my face. It felt so new. I looked at the birds, and I remember the birds flying by, and I remember looking at a tree. It was swaying.
Anne: And it was almost surreal. Like, is this real? This is reality. I just thought, wow, I’ve been living in this fog inside my house with this abusive situation. And my reality has been so skewed. And I started trying to do that too. Just walking outside, letting the sun be on my face. I garden, self care is on my list of what I’m doing now to heal and grow. I like the journey of it, and I’m okay. It’s a crazy journey. That I’m not doing fantastic at it, but at least I’m making small steps forward.
Caroline: Yeah.
Anne: Caroline, I know your mom has listened to the podcast and is familiar with Betrayal Trauma Recovery. So many of the things that you learned, she also knew because she listened to the podcast. How has that helped you as you’ve progressed in your healing, after deciding to divorce?
Caroline: Well, obviously the introduction to BTR.ORG by my mom was super helpful. I am forever grateful for the education my mom has about addiction. Because that’s what it boils down to. Gaining an education about what this addiction does, and having my mom there as a support, was super helpful. You know, being able to take the emotion out of the sadness that her daughter is going through, and looking at the facts, was helpful.
Caroline: Nobody wants that to be their friend, their daughter, or their sister. For a brief moment, there was that reaction from my mom of, you need to keep trying. And then the next day she called me and said, honey, I was wrong. I’m sorry and I’m here for you, which she did only because of the education she has.
Anne: I wish everyone who was going through this had a mom who is also listening to the podcast.
Caroline: For sure…
Anne: Caroline, thank you for being here today. I’m so grateful that you found BTR.ORG.
Caroline: Thank you, Anne.