Michelle Icard, author of the new book Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, joins us to chat about the most important discussions to have with young people these days. We’ll also cover how to make them go smoothly and what parents can do to minimize awkwardness (and arguments) in the process!
Full show notes
Say you’ve got a touchy topic you want to approach your teen about–maybe you found a vape in their room! You know that the moment you bring it up, your teen will explode and slam the door in your face. Or, even if you are able to sit down and have a real discussion, you’re worried they’ll ask you a question you don’t know the answer to...and you’ll be caught like a deer in headlights! You might be so stressed about the conversation that you just don’t bring your concerns up at all.
Avoiding these tricky talks can be tempting, but ignoring them can have serious consequences. If no one walks a teen through complicated subjects like consent, drug use or self esteem, teens might not know what to do when they get themselves into real trouble. Opening up a line of communication with your teen can help them navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and help you rest easy knowing they’re not keeping secrets from you.
To figure out how you can approach uncomfortable discussions with your teen, we’re talking to Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. Michelle is a member of the Today Show Parenting Team, and has been featured in the Washington Post, Time, People Magazine, and more.
In our interview today we’re going over Michelle’s BRIEF model for tough conversations. Yes, this does mean keeping talks with teens short, but the acronym illuminates a super effective set of steps to ease into difficult discussions with kids. Michelle and I also break down how you can confront teens about independence, social media, healthy eating, dating, and more!
Michelle’s BRIEF Conversation Model
Starting a conversation with a teenager can be remarkably intimidating, but Michelle’s got it down to a science. She’s gathered the essential steps of having serious talks with teens and combined them into an acronym: BRIEF. In the episode, Michelle and I go through each and every step and explain how you can incorporate them the next time you have to strike up an uncomfortable chat with a teen.
The B in BRIEF stands for beginning peacefully. This diplomatic approach is a huge part of bridging the communication gap between you and your teen. It’s easy to freak out when you discover that they have a secret boyfriend or are hiding symptoms of an eating disorder. But if you come out right away with prescriptive or punitive measures, you’ll likely scare your kid off and cause them to shut down. Michelle’s method champions a calm, collected start to the conversation.
This can mean kicking off talks off with gentle, general questions that don’t include your teen. For example, if you’re worried that your teen may have started smoking weed, you could casually ask what they think about the current rise in legalization or inquire if it’s something they’d ever consider trying. You could discuss the possible side effects of hypothetically partaking in marijuana use. This non-confrontational tone will keep kids from feeling attacked or judged, giving them an open forum to communicate instead.
In our interview, Michelle and I go over the other four steps of the BRIEF method: relating to teens, interviewing for data, echoing your kid, and finally, feedback. This method works for delving into any topic...even complicated subjects like social media and dating.
Discussing Social Media With Teens
If you didn’t grow up with social media, it can seem pretty unnecessary–or even alarming. When teens are obsessed with joining Tik Tok and posting on Instagram, it’s normal to be worried that they’ll become addicted or post risque stuff without you knowing. However, Michelle argues that social media can be a great tool for passion and creativity. In the episode, she shares an anecdote about her own daughter creating a fun Hunger Games fan page and getting a shout out from one of the franchise’s actors!
If you want teens to be able to have a fulfilling experience online instead of an unhealthy one, Michelle says the key is to sit down and have conversations about it. Social media is a tool that can be useful, or dangerous...just like a buzz saw. And like a buzz saw, you wouldn’t want someone to start using social media if they didn’t know how to operate it safely. Having non judgemental, open talks with teens about what’s too inappropriate to post on Twitter can make a monumental difference.
Even after you have thorough dialogue with your teen about social media, you might find that they defy the rules you set. Michelle reminds parents to stay calm and collected, beginning with that peaceful approach. In the episode, we break down how and when to start discussing social media sites with teens. Stepping off the web and into real life, there’s another essential, but awkward discussion you’ll have to have with teens: dating.
Having the Dating Conversation
Every parent knows that at some point, they’re going to have to get into a talk with teens about the birds and the bees. It’s inevitable for teens to start crushing on classmates and feeling flirty, so it can be very valuable to talk to them about the ins and outs of relationships, sex and courtship. Michelle’s advice? Start young. If you can have these conversations early and often, you can prevent teens from falling into heartbreak or worse, being pressured into something they don’t want to do.
Interestingly, Michelle also recommends not imposing too many limits on teens who are inclined to engage in dating. She explains that parents often want to place kids under a dating age restriction, but that young relationships can actually help kids test the waters and understand what they truly want out of a romantic encounter. Most of the time, these courtships are nothing sexual or serious, but instead just attempts by teens to feel validated and wanted.
So should you be afraid to let kid go alone to the mall with their new beau? Michelle says that it can actually be better for two teens who are dating to hang out alone, instead of with a huge gang of people. Oftentimes, big groups can pressure “couples” to do things they might not be comfortable with. When kids are hanging out just the two of them they’re much more likely to be themselves, and not do anything too drastic, says Michelle in our interview.
In the Episode….
Michelle’s experience talking to parents around the world shines through in her savvy takes on tricky topics. In addition to the subjects mentioned above, we cover:
Although it’s hard to strike up serious conversations with teens, Michelle teaches us how to have productive, honest talks that don't devolve into eye-rolling or arguments. Grateful to be sharing Michelle's expertise and I hope you have as much fun listening as I did hosting the interview!