This episode discusses ADHD, rejection sensitivity, and mental health. It is educational and not a substitute for professional care.
What if being "too nice" was never a personality flaw — but your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to stay safe?
Everyone who loves Alice has told her the same thing: be more assertive! Nobody ever explained how. In this solo episode she chases down her million-dollar question — how a self-described self-sacrificer with ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria actually learns to speak up.
Alice's reframe: people pleasing isn't a moral failing, it's trauma-driven behaviour. The link between ADHD and people pleasing runs through rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and masking — the quiet acceptance that turns "I guess I'll do the dishes" into years of swallowed resentment. She walks through what took her from being the roommate who never said a word to the woman who now asks a table to move over.
She's clear she's not a psychologist, so this is the research talking: a 2024 study linking ADHD symptoms to higher rejection sensitivity, a finding that over 90% of adults with ADHD mask socially, a 2025 Lancet Psychiatry review on medication and emotional regulation, Russell Ramsay's work on perfectionism and emotional reasoning, Steven Hayes' acceptance work, and Marsha Linehan's DBT — including a line-by-line ride through the DEAR MAN script you can use in a hard conversation.
Whether you've never once sent food back, or you're mid-recovery and still get the RSD flare-ups, this is a practical, research-backed reframe of what assertiveness is actually for.
In this episode Alice explores:
Why "being more assertive" is useless advice without a method
The roommate era that broke her go-with-the-flow approach
Is people-pleasing a sign of ADHD?
Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and masking
The 2024 study tying ADHD symptoms to higher rejection sensitivity, and why RSD makes criticism land harder
Why over 90% of adults with ADHD mask
Calm the storm first: the 2025 Lancet Psychiatry review on ADHD medication and emotional regulation
Catch the lie your brain is telling you — Russell Ramsay on perfectionism and emotional reasoning
You don't have to win the argument with the thought — Steven Hayes and the ACT reframe
DEAR MAN, decoded line by line — Marsha Linehan's DBT script for asking and saying no without fawning
Sources:https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-022-043566https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178125001994https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-020-10115-2
https://www.cbt4adhd.com Source: 2025 ACT systematic review(https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09727531241300741).Source: Linehan (2015) DBT Skills Training Manual; controlled DEAR MAN study (https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/dissertations/742/).Neff self-compassion research index (https://self-compassion.org/the-research/).
Connect with Alice:
Website: hustlingwriters.com
Instagram: @alicedraper
LinkedIn: Alice Draper
Email: alice@hustlingwriters.com.
Chapters:
00:00 "Be more assertive" — the advice with no instructions
01:05 The roommate era: going with the flow curdles into resentment
02:30 From silent to the one who asks the table to move over
03:20 Is people pleasing a part of ADHD?
04:10 Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and the 90% who mask
05:15 Step one: calm the storm — medication, DBT, psychiatric care first
06:40 Step two: catch the lie — Ramsay on perfectionism and emotional reasoning
07:45 Step three: don't delete the thought — Hayes and the ACT reframe
08:40 Step four: get a script — Marsha Linehan and DEAR MAN, line by line
11:20 Why a script feels terrifying at first — and stops feeling that way
12:15 Step five: be kind to yourself after the no — Harvard on self-compassion
13:10 Repetition over getting it right: still flaring, doing the hard thing anyway
14:00 A note to the listener: this room, and reaching out