You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, ORâ BRAND NEW: weâve included a fully edited transcript of our interview at the bottom of this post.
In this episode of The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, Corey and I discuss why âSpecial Timeâ- the gold standard for cultivating connection with our kids- might not work the best for complex kids.
We cover who complex kids are, what parenting them looks like, how to co-create interests and activities together, and being playful to connect deeply while getting through the daily routine.
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We talk about:
* 6:43 What is Special Time?
* 7:51 What is a complex Kid?
* 10:08 What does it look like to parent a complex Kid?
* 19:30 What does daily life look like with complex Kids?
* 22:03 What to do for connection when special time doesnât work?
* 23:05 Cultivating shared hobbies
* 27:00 Finding books you both love
* 30:00 Instead of only putting kids in organized sports, exercise together!
* 33:30 Sideways listening with our kids
* 37:00 Playful parenting as we move through the daily routine
Resources mentioned in this episode:
* Yoto Player-Screen Free Audio Book Player
* The Peaceful Parenting Membership
* What you Can Do When Parenting Hard: Coaching with Joanna
* When Peaceful Parenting Doesnât Look Like Itâs âSupposed Toâ Look
* How To Take the Coach Approach to Parenting Complex Kids with Elaine Taylor- Klaus
* What Influencers are Getting Wrong About Peaceful Parenting
* Staying Close to Your Tweens and Teens
* How To Stop Fighting About Video Games with Scott Novis
* Playful Heart Parenting with Mia Wisinski
xx Sarah and Corey
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Sarah: Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Parenting Podcast. Todayâs episode is about why you shouldnât do special time, which is, I admit, a little bit of a provocative hook here. But itâs something that Corey brought to my attention that we have been talking about a lot. And then after last weekâs podcast, we both agreedâafter the podcast with Joanna and her complex kidâwe both agreed we have to talk about this, because this is something that probably a lot of parents are feeling a lot of conflict, guilt, and shame around: not doing special time or not wanting to do special time or not being able to do special time.
Sarah: Hey Corey. Welcome back to the podcast. Tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do.
Corey: Hi, I am Corey Everett, and I am a trained peaceful parenting coach, and I work for Sarah. I live in Ontario, but I work with clients all over the world doing one-on-one coaching. And I myself am complex and have a complex child. And I have two kids. I never can remember this, but I have a 7-year-old and a 10-year-old.
Sarah: I am glad youâre not the only one who canât remember their kidsâ ages. I have to stop and think. Okay. Well, Iâm so excited to talk about this. And this is actually something that you and I have talked about over the years, because you have found it really difficult to do special time with your complex kid. Maybe just tell us a little bit about what happened when you tried to do special time and why you eventually sort of gave it up. And, you know, this is something that Joanna in the podcast last weekâthe coaching podcastâshe was talking about how she didnât want to do special time with her kid because she was so exhausted. So I think this is sort of like a two-part: why sometimes special time doesnât work for the kids and why it doesnât work for the parents. So letâs start by talking about what happened when you would try to do special time with Big C, whoâs your 10-year-old.
Corey: Okay, so when I would try and do special time with Big C, I actually foundâfirst of allâI didnât really feel very present in it. I felt like I was trying to do it, but I felt like I didnât have a lot of energy for it. I think he could feel that. So I just didnât feel very engaged in it and I just felt exhausted, and it just felt like another thing on my to-do list. And so therefore he didnât necessarily enjoy it as much either.
We did do a podcastâitâd be really great, I can put it in the show notesâwhere we talked about some things for peaceful parenting that arenât working, and I did a really good description in that one of why special time didnât work for him.
Sarah: Okay.
Corey: And so we can have them listen to that if they want more details on that part. Instead, I think I want to really focus on why it didnât work for me and why Iâm finding with my clients itâs not working for them either.
Sarah: You know what, sorry to interrupt you. I realize we should really just say what special time is, in caseâlike itâs such a gold standard of peaceful parentingâbut there could be some parents listening to this, parents or caregivers who are newer to special time and might not know what it is.
Special timeâand there are, I think, some other brands of parenting that might have other names for itâbut basically the gold standard is 15 minutes a day of one-on-one time with you and your child, where you put aside the to-do list, put away your phone, and some people suggest that you set a timer and say, âIâm all yours for the next 15 minutes. What do you want to play?â Itâs really immersing yourself in the childâs world. Thatâs one of the main ideas of special time: that weâre immersed in our childâs world of pretend play or some kind of play. It can be roughhousing or it can be playing Lego or dollsâsomething that is really child-centered and child-led.
So that is special time. And letâs take it from there. You had mentioned already that energetically it was really hard for you.
Corey: I think the best way that I can explain this is if I paint the picture for you of what it looks like to be a parent of a complex kid. Andâ
Sarah: Wait letâs give a definition of complexâweâve got to make sure weâre covering the basics here. Whatâs a complex kid?
Corey: Okay, so a complex kid. This term, I first heard it from Elaine Taylor-Klausâand we can also put in the show notes when you had her on the podcast. She is amazing. And basically, weâre really often talking about neurodivergent kids here. But it can be more than that. Itâs just kids who need more.
Sarah: Itâs that 20% of kids that we talk aboutâthe 80% of kids who, you know, you say âGo put your shoes on and wait for me by the door,â and they go and do it and they donât have the extra big feelings. So in my idea of it, it can be neurodivergent and also spirited, sensitive, strong-willed. The kids who are not your average, typical kids. And I always say that when I tell people what I doâparenting coachâsome people look at me like, âWhy would anyone need a parenting coach?â and other people are like, âOh, I could have used you when my kids were growing up.â
So really there are kids who areâIâm sure theyâre wonderfulâbut theyâre not as more or complex as some other kids.
Corey: Kids that you almost donât have to be as intentional about your parenting with.
Sarah: Yeah. You donât have to read parenting books or listen to parenting podcasts. I would hazard a guess that most people who listen to this podcast have complex kids.
Corey: Yes. Theyâre our people. We always say the people who are our people are the ones who donât have to talk about challenges around putting on shoes.
Sarah: I love that.
Corey: That seems to be the number one thing weâre always talking about.
Sarah: We always use that as an example, whether itâs sensory or strong-willed or attentional. It is kind of like one of those canary-in-the-coal-mine things. Will your child go and put their shoes on when you ask them to? If the answer is no, you probably have a complex kid.
Corey: Yes, I love that it is the canary in the coal mine. So thatâs what our complex kids are. And for the parents of these kids, I think of these parents as being absolute rock stars. They are just trying so hard to peacefully parent their kids. And, like we said, theyâre reading all the books, theyâre listening to this podcast, theyâve probably signed up for all sorts of online seminars and courses and just do all of the things.
Often these parents were not peacefully parented themselves. Most people werenât. So theyâre learning a whole new parenting style. And a lot of people today are getting all their information off Instagram and TikTok reels that arenât very nuanced, so theyâre also not getting really full information. Theyâre trying so hard off of all these little sound snippets.
Sarah: Or the peaceful parenting or gentle parenting advice that theyâre being given, and whatâs supposed to happen just doesnât look like that for their kid. And that reminds meâthe other podcast that we did about when peaceful parenting doesnât âwork,â we could link to that one too.
Corey: Yes. Parents of complex kids are also trying to problem solve so many challenges because the world is often not designed for their kids, and itâs often not designed for them.
Sarah: Say more about thatâabout ânot designed for their kids.â Whatâs an example of how that might show up?
Corey: So an example is conventional schooling. Theyâre expected to go into this noisy environment and just be able to eat the food theyâve been sent and listen all day and stay in their seats and learn the same way that everyone else is learning. I didnât really realize how complex my kid was until I tried to send him to daycare.
Sarah: I was just thinking about the spirit days at Big Câs school, and how youâve shared with me that those spirit daysâlike pajama day or âeveryone wear the school colors dayââfor some typical kids can be exciting and fun and a diversion. And for complex kids that can cause a whole level of stress and anticipation and the change of routine. Other parents of non-complex kids might be like, âWhatever, itâs not a big deal.â For our complex kids, it throws them for a loop.
Corey: Yes. My first moment of starting to realize there was something I needed to pay more attention to was they were having a movie day at Big Câs daycare, and they said he kept covering his ears and hiding. And that was my first idea that every other kid was so excited that it was movie day. Theyâd been looking forward to it. And for my child it was just so loud, and then suddenly the lights were turned off, and the whole situation was throwing him off.
So thatâs what I mean. Weâre designing the world for kids who are excited about movie day or special event days. But for complex kids, this is a complete change in their routine and all sorts of different sensory things that are happening that can make it really hard for them.
Sarah: Or that they canât handle as much as other kids. I have a client who was just talking about how sheâs realized for her son, whoâs nine, that they literally canât do anything after school. They canât stop at the store and run in and grab a few things. They really just have to come straight home and not do anything extra or different. And he does so much better when he can just come home and unwind and needs that.
Corey: Yes, exactly. So the world wasnât designed for them. And then consequently, the world was often not designed for those parents either. So many of the people we work withâincluding ourselvesâonly start to realize how complex we are once we start identifying it in our children. So itâs just not really an accommodated world.
Sarah: So talk about how that has led to burnout for you. And by the way, when you started talking about rock starsâin the membership the other day, in office hours, one of our members, Iâll call him D, who works incredibly hard and has two very complex kids, was just sharing how dark and hard life had been feeling for him lately. And I said, honestly, I just want to give you a medal. And I grabbed this off my desk and held it upâthis silver milagro from Mexico thatâs a bleeding heart. It was the closest thing I had to a medal.
But I really feel like so many parents who have hard or more complex kids, all they feel is that theyâre doing a bad job. They donât realize that theyâre up against something other people are not up against. They donât realize that because thatâs all they knowâunless you have one kid thatâs not complex and one that isâyou just donât know that youâre working so hard and things are still hard. It feels like you must be doing something wrong or failing. What they donât realize is that you can do everything ârightâ in peaceful parenting, and things are still really hard if youâve got a complex kid.
Corey: Yes. And the last thing I want to say to help paint this picture is that these parentsâpart of what theyâre dealing with, and I actually think this is hugeâall parents today have a huge amount of family admin: managing appointments and things from the school and all those kinds of things. But thatâs this other crushing weight weâre carrying as parents with complex kids: the admin.
Sarah: Right.
Corey: The amount of communication we have to do with daycare providers and teachers almost every day at pointsâ
Sarah: And also the searching. Iâve watched you go through this, and I watched my sister go through this, and countless clients. The searching to try to figure out what exactly is going on with my kid so that I can best support them. And even with the privilege you have and my sister has in terms of being able to access specialists and testing and all of thatâeven with that privilegeâitâs still almost a full-time job. And then getting the OT or the supports too.
Corey: Yes. I started for this podcast listing some of the people Iâve had to coordinate with over the years, and I was like: different types of medical doctors, occupational therapists, speech-language pathologists, psychologists, social workers, dieticians⊠so many. And just so much coordinating and searching. And the other thing thatâs hard is you also then have homework from each of these people. So not only do you have to make appointments and get your children to appointments, you then have to fill out all this paperwork to get reimbursed or get payment sorted. Then thereâs all the paperwork they want you to sign for ongoing parts of that. Then they have homework for the kids that theyâre supposed to be doing all the time to help them with whateverâs going on. Itâs endless.
Sarah: Yeah. And then thereâs the day-to-day. Tell usâpaint a little picture of the day-to-day living. Not only do we have the world that isnât built for them or for you, and then all of the extra stuff that goes along with having a complex kid, but then the day-to-day life. Speak to that a little bit.
Corey: Yeah. I think thatâs the thing you just see is so painful to talk about for all the people in our membership and our clients, and Iâve experienced it firsthand. You had children to add love to your family. And then you love them so much and youâre struggling because thereâs chronic dysregulation, and theyâre having such a hard time getting through your daily routines, and they need more supervision than the average child does. Just getting through the day can be really challenging when you have a complex kid. And then if you yourself are complex, your nervous system is getting completely overwhelmed by trying to be the calm for everyoneâs storms.
Sarah: Itâs a lot, Corey. I understand why you get emotional about it. Itâs a lot. And youâre still in the thick of it with two young kids. I think everyone whoâs listening to this can relate.
Okay. So how and when did you decide that you were going to quit special time, and what does that look like? AndâI just want to center us hereâthe reason why we do special time is for connection, right? Complex kids need connection just as much or more than typical kids. And so just because weâre saying you might want to quit special time, it does not mean weâre saying you want to quit connection. So what does that look like? What have you found? Because I know youâre super connected with your kids. Iâve seen you together. I know the things they say to you and about you, and that you have an awesome connection. So what do you do for connection when special time does not work?
Corey: A big thing that Iâve been telling clients and that Iâve done in my life isâfirst of all, I had to acknowledge to myself, it felt like shame. Because here I amâitâs one of the first things we tell everyone we work with: âAre you getting one-on-one time doing special time with your child?â And then Iâm sitting there being like, but I donât really do this. I get a ton of one-on-one time with my children. And I think thatâs at the heart of it. But what I realized is because weâre carrying all those weights we talked about, your whole life feels like itâs all about this kid. And then to be like, âYou know what? Letâs make it more about you and give you another 15 minutes,â just feelsâI almost felt like I donât have this in me.
So I realized: letâs pick things that we can do together that are interesting for both them and me. Instead of getting locked in their play and being led by them, Iâm finding things that weâre co-creating together.
Sarah: And can I just note too that youâve told meâand I know you said you talked about this in another podcastâbut I just want to say it again: a lot of times complex kidsâ play doesnât look like typical kidsâ play. So you might be like, âWhat do you want to play?â and theyâre like, âI donât know.â They donât have the same kind of âOkay, letâs play store and you be this and Iâll be this.â Or they play with their toys in a different manner. So it can also be just awkward to insist that you play with them when thatâs not their style anyway. I just wanted to throw that out there.
Corey: Yeah. And, or if I did, theyâre always telling me Iâm doing everything wrong.
Sarah: Right. Because I do think that playâI do think that for most kids, even though weâre saying donât do special timeâI do think that for most kids it is important to put yourself in their world. And I donât want people to think, like, âOkay, this means I never have to try to do special time.â Weâre just saying if itâs not working for you for these various reasonsâwhether itâs because of your own constraints like it was for Joanna, or because it doesnât work for your kidâit doesnât mean that youâre doing it wrong and that thereâs no way to connect and that you should just give up.
But I do think thatâjust a side noteâIâd say the majority of kids, play in their world is the key to a lot of connection. But for some complex kids, that just isnât their mode. For some of them.
Corey: Yeah. Because I think we were coming out of special time feeling angry.
Sarah: Right?
Corey: Because we were coming out of it like, âIâm trying to get lost in my childâs world,â and heâs just like, âYouâre not doing anything right, Mommy.â It was frustrating for him because he had these ideas and he couldnât really get me to do it right. And I think for some kids that can be really empowering, where they like that feeling of being in control and telling them. But for him it was frustrating because heâs like, âI had this vision, and you are just not executing.â Iâm like, âI donât know, Iâm trying to execute your vision.â So I think thatâs why for us, I could just tell it wasnât just meâneither of us were finding it was working.
Sarah: Butâ
Corey: We were desperately wanting to be together.
Sarah: Okay. So you said âfinding,â right? I interrupted you when you were talking about finding things that were co-interestsâthings that work for both of you, co-creating.
Corey: Yes. When they were younger, one of the big things I did was buy myself really special pencil crayons and nice watercolor paints because both of them loved doing art. So I could sit and do art with them and use my fancy coloring books and feel very âwe are together doing somethingâ that was making me feel really good, but they also felt really happy, and they loved showing me what they were making.
Sarah: And did you let them use your stuff? Because I think that would be really hard for me, because you canât really be like, âThese are my special things, and you use these Crayola ones.â How did you navigate that?
Corey: Okay, so that was really hard. This never would work for my husband, so Iâm going to acknowledge for some people this wouldnât work. I let them grab my crayons, and they dropped them a lot. I acknowledged that they were not going to last. But I still wanted good ones available to me. So I had to be flexible. They definitely grabbed them, and the watercolors were wrecked really quickly. But they respected not touching my special brushes for some reason. So I kept my own special brushes for the painting.
Sarah: You know, that reminds meâone of our members has a just-newly-3-year-old whoâs super complex, and she was talking about how she was doing a jigsaw puzzle, like a proper adult thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle. And she was really worried thatâsince it was on the table in a room where the parents could beâher kid was just going to come in and wreck it. Instead, her child is really good at jigsaw puzzles and is doing them with her. So I think sometimesâsheâs totally shocked and thrilled that this has become somethingâand this is clearly a case of coming into the adult world of a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle. You just reminded meâshe put a post in our Facebook group about how⊠I donât know, did you see that post?
Corey: Yeah, I did.
Sarah: About how wonderful itâs been to have her just-turned-3-year-old do these adult jigsaw puzzles with her. So thatâs a perfect example of what youâre talking about, I think.
Corey: I think itâsâso I love what youâre saying here, because weâre always told âgo into their world,â but thereâs something really powerful about letting them into yours. I didnât actually realize thatâs what I was doingâIâve been bringing them into my world with me, and then they feel really special being allowed in there with me. And so it creates this really beautiful thing, but Iâm flexible about letting them in there, knowing itâs going to look different.
Sarah: Right. What are some other things that youâve done besides art that might be inspiring?
Corey: I realized a long time ago I had to let go of the idea that I needed to read really interesting books to my kids so that every night we could look forward to reading beautiful stories that drew me in. We actually realized bedtime has started getting hard again, and we realized itâs because weâre in between books. So that is somethingâand a shout-out to my mom; sheâs really good at researching booksâsheâs come up with some really cool books that have really diverse characters and really interesting stories. Thatâs been another really important thing: donât just read. Iâve picked really good books that draw me in.
And so last night we actually just started a favorite series of mine. I kid you not, Iâm reading to my 10-year-old a feminist fantasy book that I read when I was a tween. Itâs called Dealing with Dragons, and he actually is loving it.
Sarah: Nice. So youâre sayingâmaybe you misspokeâyou said you had to give up on reading books that you⊠beautiful books that you liked. But did you mean that you were finding beautiful books that you liked?
Corey: Yeah, sorry, thatâsâearlier on I felt like I was just reading, you know, books that I thought they would like.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
Corey: But instead I was like, âThe heck with that,â and I found books that I loved, and I started reading those to my kids. And then they loved them. And then that really got us so excited about bedtime.
Sarah: Great, great.
Corey: We got through it, and we would read that together, and it becameâI actually think reading books that I love to my kids has become one of the most important special times that we have each day.
Sarah: So another co-creatingâsomething thatâs interesting to both of you. And itâs not necessarily going into their world and reading the Captain Underpants or something that they might like that you find mind-numbingly boring. And maybe Captain Underpants isnât boringâIâve never read itâbut Iâm just using that as an example.
Corey: Thatâs a perfect example. So itâs like, here, Iâm providing those books for them to read to themselves for their reading time. Absolutelyâread all the Captain Underpants, the Dog Man you would like. But my goodness, when Iâm reading to you, Iâm picking something. And look, weâve abandoned lots of books that we started reading that they couldnât get into. We keepâwe just keep trying.
Sarah: Okay. What elseâwhat else is next?
Corey: Exercise.
Sarah: Okay.
Corey: Iâve realized exercise for me is the number one way for me to deal with stress. Of all things, I need to exercise to help manage stress. And itâs very hard to fit in exercise when you have complex kids. So from the time they were little, weâve been very flexible about how weâve done it. But my husband and I haveâonce again, instead of picking things theyâre naturally into (this is starting to sound really funny)âwe just brought them into our exercise with us, and they love it. From the time they were little, we had a balance bike for my littlest guy. He was on that balance bike, and we were riding bikes together.
So my littlest one ended up being able to ride a regular bike before he was three.
Sarah: Same with Maxine. Those balance bikes are amazing. She justâyeah. Itâs crazy.
Corey: Yeah. And sometimesâ
Sarah: Sometimes youâre like, âWhat have I done?â The 3-year-old is riding off.
Corey: Itâs true. It was unbelievable, though. So we just rode our bikes together. From the time ours were very little, we had them as little guys onâyou can get an attachment to your bikeâand my husband put them on his road bike with him and would take them for rides on his road bike.
Sarah: Thereâs also the trailer bike too, which we had, which is good.
Corey: So we did that. We had our youngest on skis when he was two. COVID kind of interrupted some of that, but now we ski every weekend with our kids, and we decided to do that instead of putting them into organized sports so that we would all be doing it together.
Sarah: Oh, I love that. Instead of dropping them off and theyâre playing soccer, youâre all doing stuff together.
Corey: Yes.
Sarah: I mean, and you couldâand, you know, for other familiesâyou could just go and kick the ball. Or I always say, chase your kids around the playground if you feel like you donât have time to exercise but you need to. It can be that simple, right? Kicking the ball around, chasing them around the playgroundâget some exercise and have some connection time too.
Corey: Yeah. One of the ways we got our one son kind of good at running is taking the kite to the park, and we just ran around with the kite. But we started even going toâand I advised another family to do thisâgoing to a track together, because itâs a contained area where everyone could run at different speeds. And the really little ones were playing on the inside of the track with soccer balls and things like that, and then everyone else could be running around the track.
Sarah: Love it.
Corey: So getting really creative about literally bringing them into our world of things that we love, and then connecting deeply. And itâs one of those things where itâs an investment you make over time. It starts small, and you have to be really flexible. And there are these little hands grabbing all your fancy pencil crayons, and youâre having to deal with it. And then one day youâre sitting beside them, and theyâre using them themselvesâdrawing works of art.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah.
Corey: And itâs happening now where my older son and I have been going for runs together around the neighborhood, and we have the best talks ever because Iâm sideways listening. We should talk about sideways listening, actually.
Sarah: Okay.
Corey: So I learned about this from you. You have a great articleâI recommend it to everyoneâitâs called âStaying Close to Your Tweens and Teens,â and thatâs where you talk about how itâs actually easier for people, I think, to have important conversations when youâre side to side, because itâs not that intensity of looking at each otherâs faces. This is extra true for neurodivergent people who sometimes have a hard time with eye contact and talking in that way. So we go for these runs together all around our neighborhood, and I hear everything from my son during that time because weâre side by side. So itâs become special time, where it started when I taught him to come into my world with the track running and all the different things, and now that weâre running, heâs bringing me into his world.
Sarah: Love it. Do you find that a lot of complex kids have special interestsâdo you find that thereâs a way that you can connect with them over their special interest? Does that feel connecting to you if itâs not somethingâlike, Iâm literally just curious about that.
Corey: I think that can be tricky, but I do think itâs very important. Iâve learned that I was having a hard time with how much my kids loved video games because Iâve never liked video games. And, you know, as someone with ADHD, itâs so hard to focus on things that I donât find interesting. And I realized that Iâve spent all this time cultivating bringing them into my world, and weâve gotten to such a beautiful, connected space that I do need to go into theirs. And now that theyâre older, Iâm finding it is easier to go into their world, because weâre not trying to make some sort of play thing happen that wasnât natural.
Sarah: Right.
Corey: So I have been making a point now ofâIâve sat down and been like, âShow me how to play. Iâm a beginner. Teach me how to do this.â And Iâve been playing video games with them. Iâm so bad.
Sarah: You know, in our podcast with Scott Novus about how to stop fighting with your kids about video games, he says how good it is for kids to see you be bad at something.
Corey: Theyâre seeing it.
Sarah: I love that.
Corey: Iâm so bad. I cannot even a little bit. So they find it very funny. Iâve been playing with them and letting them talk to me about it, and Iâve found thatâs been really important too. Because I keep on saying, âDo you see why they love this so much?â And Iâm kind of like, yesâand I see what skills youâre learning now that Iâve tried it. It takes so much skill and practice to be good at these complex video games on the Switch and on the PlayStation. So I am learning a lot, and I feel like we are shifting now, where I found a way to connect with them by bringing them along with what I was into, and now that theyâre older, we are switching where Iâm able to go back into their world.
Sarah: Right. Love it. So we alsoâyou know, I think delighting is something that probably you still do, and we always talk about that as the low-hanging fruit. If you canât do special time or it doesnât work for you, delighting in your child throughout the dayâletting the love that you feel in your heart show on your face, right? And then finally, you talked about using routineâthe things that you do throughout the dayâas connection. Can you talk about that a little bit before we go?
Corey: Yes. So this is where long-time listeners of our podcast know that although special time is a big fail for us, Iâm really good at being silly with my kids. Really good at being silly. And Iâm very inspired listening to Mia from Playful HeartâPlayful Heart Parenting. I think I told you, listening to her talk, it was like the first time I heard someone talking about exactly how I do playful parenting. And itâs just injecting play and silliness and drama throughout your everyday things youâre doing together. And so we do that all the time to get through the schedule. Especially now, my 10-year-old is starting to act a little too cool for some of this, but itâs still really happening with my 7-year-old, where weâre always singing weird songs about what weâre doing, and Iâll take on weird accents and be my characters. Iâm not going to demonstrate them hereâitâs far too embarrassingâbut I still have my long-running characters I canât get over.
Sarah: Youâve got, like, the dental hygienistâwhatâs her name?
Corey: Karen. Karen the dental hygienist.
Sarah: Whatâs the bus driverâs name?
Corey: I have Brett the bus driver. We have âDeep Breath,â whoâs like a yogi who comes in when everyone needs to take deep breaths. Thereâsâoh, her nameâs So? Iâm not sure why. So is the dresser whoâs really serious and doesnât know how to smile. So if my kids ever need helpâthis has also been a big way that I delight in them, I thinkâif they ever need help getting dressed (which complex kids need help getting dressed for a longâ)
Sarah: And even body doubling when they donât need help getting dressed, right?
Corey: Yes. So I would always pretend to be a dresser who was sent in to get them dressed in their clothes, and they didnât know how to smile. So theyâre always trying to teach me how to smile when Iâm keeping a serious face. And actually, recently I was doing this and I was having such a hard time not laughing that my lips started visibly quivering trying not to smile and laugh.
Sarah: I love that.
Corey: I think it was the hardest Iâve ever seen my 7-year-old laugh. He was on the floor laughing because I was likeâ
Sarah: And for anyone who this sounds hard forâjust, you know, it takes practice, and anyone, I think, can learn to be playful. And I love Miaâs accountâweâll link to that in the show notes. I love Miaâs account for ideas just to get you started, because I know youâyouâre a drama kid. Iâm not. But I still found ways to get playful even though itâs not my natural instinct. And so you canâthis way of getting playful and connecting through the day and through your daily routineâyou can do that. Itâll take maybe a little practice; you might feel funny at first. But I think itâs possible for everyone to do that.
So thank you so much. We have to wrap up, but I also want to point out that anyone who wants to connect with you, reach out to us. Coreyâs available for coaching. Sheâs a wonderful coach. And I have people who specifically ask for Corey because they can relate to Coreyâs experience as a parent of complex kids. And so, on our website, reimaginepeacefulparenting.com, there is a booking link for a free short consult or for a coaching session. Weâll also put that in the show notes. So if you want some more support, please reach out to us. Either of us are here and want to help you.
And, Corey, thank you for your honesty and vulnerabilityâvulnerability about being a parent of a complex kid and sharing how you can do that connection, even if it feels like special time is just too hard and something that doesnât work for you or for your kid. And thanks to Joanna for also inspiring us to get this out there to you all.
Corey, before I let you go, Iâm going to ask the question I ask all my guests, which is: what would you tell yourâyou had a time machine and you could go back in timeâwhat would you tell your younger parent self?
Corey: Okay.
Sarah: About parenting? What do you wish you knew?
Corey: I think what I wish I knewâI think this is easier than I thought it would be, because I just told my best friend who just had a baby thisâand itâs: trust your intuition. I think I spent so much time looking for answers outside of myself, and I could feel they werenât right for my kid or for me, that I was so confused because other people were telling me, âThis is what you should be doing.â And the more Iâve learned to trust my gut instinct and just connect deeplyâand this special time example is perfectâI knew it wasnât working for us, and I intuitively knew other ways to do it. And I wish I could have just trusted that earlier.
Sarah: And stopped doing it sooner and just gone with the other connection ideas. Yeah. Thank you so much, Corey. This has been so great. And, again, weâll put the link to anyone who wants to book a free short consult or coaching session, and also to our membership, which youâve heard us mention a few times, which is just a wonderful space on the internet for people who want some community and support with their complex kid.
Thanks, Corey.
Corey: Thank you.
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