When your husband's family enables his affair and makes you the villain, the betrayal cuts twice as deep. In this raw and essential episode, Carl and Laura Lentz tackle one of the most painful questions they've received: what do you do when your in-laws collude with the affair partner, feed them information, and blame you for the infidelity? Drawing from their own experience of distancing from family during recovery and counseling countless couples through ministry betrayal, they reveal why you don't owe anyone access to you during healing, how to take control of your narrative when everyone's telling a different story, and the exact boundaries you need to protect your recovery. Laura opens up about why they separated from Carl's family (not due to collusion, but for space to make decisions without outside opinions), while Carl exposes the insane pressure to control narratives in ministry contexts. They break down the brutal truth: if you're trying to help your in-laws grieve while you're still bleeding from betrayal, you're abandoning yourself. From wives being vilified by their husband's entire family to mothers developing relationships with affair partners, this conversation reveals why collusion is so common in ministry marriages and what to do about it. Plus: why Christian couples should stop being embarrassed about sex therapy, the difference between "fine" and "thrilling" intimacy, and how religious trauma keeps couples from having honest conversations about their sex lives. Whether you're the betrayed spouse dealing with toxic in-laws, trying to figure out if you should cut off family members who enabled infidelity, or wondering how to heal when everyone's against you, this episode gives you permission to disconnect from false narratives and reconnect with who you really are. Warning: This conversation challenges the evangelical pressure to "keep the peace" with family at all costs and may trigger those who've built their identity on being the peacemaker instead of protecting their own healing.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
CHAPTERS:
00:00:00 - Lights On: Introduction and Birthday Banter
00:02:22 - Sex Therapy for Christian Couples: Breaking the Taboo
00:08:34 - Letters from Our Readers Introduction
00:09:31 - Today's Topics: Family Collusion After Infidelity
00:09:55 - Defining Collusion: What It Means
00:11:05 - Reading the Listener Letter: Mother-in-Law Enabled the Affair
00:13:18 - Laura's Story: Why We Distanced from Carl's Family
00:14:28 - Ministry Betrayal: Narrative Control is Insane
00:19:40 - Step 1: Change Your Position - You Don't Owe Anyone Access
00:20:20 - Forgiveness Does Not Mean Friendship
00:21:14 - Secure Safety First Before Any Reintegration
00:22:39 - Require Full Disclosure, Not Drip Disclosure
00:26:24 - You Get to Define All the Relationships
00:27:18 - Family Boundary Contract with Clear Repair Requirements
00:33:36 - Picking the Right Therapist: Why Betrayal Trauma Specialists Matter
00:35:56 - Step 4: Your Husband Needs to Step Up and Set the Story Straight
00:37:01 - When a Man Gets Married, He Starts His Own Family
00:39:27 - Protecting Your Children: Who Gets to Tell Them What Happened
00:42:16 - Integrity Example: The Phone Call Story
00:43:54 - Disconnecting from False Narratives About Yourself
00:45:15 - Final Thoughts: Take Control Back One Step at a Time
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