Ask David: The Fear of Being Abandoned

Living with Someone Who's Depressed

Can Someone Else's Depression Depress You!

The answers to today’s questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the live discussion for a more in-depth discussion of each question.

Today’s questions.

1. Negar asks: How can I overcome my fear of being alone or being abandoned?

2. Stan asks: What are your tips on living with someone suffering from anxiety or depression? They can sometimes be demanding or argumentative!

3. Stan Asks: How can we protects ourselves from not feeling down during and after spending social time with anxious and / or depressed people because they express anxious or depressing thoughts to us. It seems to me that we must start to believe the distorted negative thoughts that the anxious or depressed person transmits to us, so we start to feel the same negative emotions the other person feels.

1. Negar asks: How can I overcome my fear of being alone or being abandoned?

Thank you very much

You know, doctor, one of the problems I have had since childhood was that I always worry about being alone and losing the people I love. My mind becomes conditioned and a lot of negative obsessive thoughts come to my mind, even the smallest irrelevant and random external events create a sign and increase stress

But I will not stop trying

But I am very eager to know what you think about the mind and the irrelevant and random patterns that it relates to negative events and how to get out of this cycle

You can even put this as a podcast or clip on YouTube, I think it would be very welcome because I have seen many people who have this problem🙂😇

David’s response

Hi Negar,

Sure, we can have a question on the fear of being alone / abandoned, and the many ways of overcoming this problem.

Copying Rhonda, my co-host. It is covered in detail in the first part of my book, Intimate Connections.

Methods we can discuss include:

1. Dailly Mood Log

2. Empathy

3. Positive Reframing

4. Deserted Island Fantasy

5. Cognitive Flooding

6. Please Predicting Sheet

7. Experimental Technique

8. Examine the Evidence

9. Downward Arrow / Identify Self-Defeating Belief(s) (SDB)

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis for SDB

11. Hidden Emotion Technique

12. Externalization of Voices (with Acceptance Paradox, Self-Defense Paradigm, and CAT, or Counter-Attack Technique)

13. Identify and Explain the Distortions

Warmly, david

Dear Dr Burns

Thank you for all the effort you put into the podcasts, video clips and other material, which I find so helpful. They are a great addition to the books you have written. They are very inspiring and  life changing in my case.

I have two questions that I would be very grateful if you would discuss in one of your ask David podcasts, if you think they are worth discussing.

2. Stan ask about living with an anxious or depressed person who can sometimes be argumentative or demanding.

Do you have any advice for family members or housemates that live with a person suffering from anxiety or depression. No one wants to make the situation worse and maybe there are some suggestions.

I know it can be very difficult living with someone who is anxious or depressed. An anxious or depressed person might sometimes be very demanding or argumentative. They might also sit around doing almost nothing all day or they might have odd sleeping hours for example.  They may make unreasonable requests or be overly sensitive and when hurt lash out at others for example.

David’s Reply

I would strongly recommend the podcast on “How to Help and How NOT to Help!” Will explain a bit more on the podcast. David

3. Transference of Negative Emotions?

Why do we feel bad and how can we protects ourselves from not feeling down during and after spending social time with anxious and / or depressed people because they express anxious or depressing thoughts to us.

It seems to me that we must start to believe the distorted negative thoughts that the anxious or depressed person transmits to us, so we start to feel the same negative emotions the other person feels. When this happens we might start to avoid contact with the other person which might make them feel worse.

As always I would really appreciate your thoughts on the above two matters, if you think it is worth an Ask David question

Thank you again.

Kind regards

Stan

David’s Reply

Negative feelings do not “transfer” between people. Only your own thoughts can affect the way you feel. Will explain more on the show!

If you’ve been making the mistake of trying to “help,” it would make sense that you would feel upset, frustrated, maybe even angry. But it is your own dysfunctional way of interacting with the depressed or anxious person, and your own negative thoughts, that are 100% responsible for how you feel!

But I will need to spell this out on the show!

Thanks for listening today!

Matt, Rhonda, and David