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Have you ever been told that “Love conquers all,” or “All you need is love”?
While these make for great song lyrics, they also make for great gaslighting weapons designed to make you believe that it’s your responsibility transform a narcissist.
These ideas may make you think if you can just love like Jesus, everything will be great. The gaslighting will stop, they’ll value you as a person, and they’ll finally realize all the wrong they’ve done to you.
This, my friend, is wishful thinking.
That’s why I want to talk to you about why your love can’t change a narcissist, and share something that can.
I was prompted to think about loving the narcissist after a message came through on one of my videos on YouTube. This viewer wrote (I shortened it for the sake of time):
“Have you ever wondered if your videos may cause people to divide, rather than seek to love others? We serve a loving God that desires us to love Him most and love others as ourself (Mark 12:30-31).
God knows the full story. He tells us to talk to the other person. He tells us to love, forgive, seek peace, do not lean on YOUR own understanding. How much better place this world would be if we could seek to stop labeling others and looking for fault, and figuring out ways to be on guard against people all the time. How much happier we would be if we did things God's way!”
I was going to respond to the message but realized that there’s so much to unpack here and it’s likely something that you’re struggling with too. You’re either asking similar questions or you’re struggling with people like who twist God’s scripture to bring shame to an already painful situation.
There’s much that I disagree with in this message, but for the sake of time, I want to focus on this idea of ‘love’.
Many people, especially Christians, are under the misconception that it’s our job to love unconditionally.
But there’s even much debate among scholars as to whether God’s love is truly unconditional.
Some will say that God’s love IS unconditional, as displayed in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
While His love is unconditional, His acceptance and rewards are not.
Others say God’s love is conditional because His love cannot contradict his goodness and holiness. But in his love, he provided a solution--the finished work of the cross--and all we need to do is repent to be in right relationship with Him. (Maybe with a few consequences to pay, but in with God nonetheless.)
Regardless of which side of the fence you fall on, what many are interpreting as ‘love’ is actually tolerance and enablement of sin, no repentance required.
So, if your love communicates tolerance to a narcissist, why would they change?
The truth is, the narcissist interprets your love as foolishness. They’re not thankful for it. They expect it.
Much like a sinner who hears the “God loves you so much” message and thinks, “OK, cool, I’m good then,” so does the narcissist feel in the face of your love.
Perhaps it’s time to reject the notion that you’re somehow a bad Christian if you don’t endure narcissistic abuse, and embrace the wise words of Proverbs 22:3: “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”
After all,