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00:02:29 The COIN Framework
00:03:59 In Carroll’s book, The Feedback Imperative: How to Give Feedback to Speed Up Your Team's Success
00:16:56 How to Say No
00:26:48 Technique 1: The Agreement Frame
00:37:41 Technique 2: VOMP
00:42:13 Technique 3: Nonviolent Communication
00:53:53 The Six-Step Apology
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• The goal during conflict is to increase positive feelings for everyone involved. One way to do this is with Carroll’s COIN framework—context, observations, impact, and next (follow-up actions). Use plenty of “I” statements, pause often, and be as clear and direct as possible. When giving feedback, focus on what can be done in the future rather than what has already been done.
• There are many ways to navigate communication when you disagree. The agreement frame helps the other person release their resistance to your perspective because you are able to really support their views or values first and seek common ground that puts you on the same team.
• The art of saying no includes understanding the different kinds of assertions, including basic assertions (statements of facts and limits), empathic assertions (asserting needs and limits whilst acknowledging others’ with kindness), consequence assertions (following through with consequences of not respecting your boundary), discrepancy assertions (drawing attention to difference between what was agreed and what is happening), and negative feeling assertions (owning your own emotions and stating them).
• VOMP is another technique and stands for voice/vent, own, moccasins, and plan. Say your piece and allow the other person to say theirs, own your part in the conflict, show empathy for their perspective, and then move forward with a concrete plan on how to act in the future.
• Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication is about making neutral observations, expressing feelings with “I” statements, sharing needs, and making reasonable and respectful requests.
• If none of these three techniques work, you can manage a difficult person by “fogging” (being as neutral and non-reactive as possible) or repeating boundaries like a “broken record” until they lose interest.
• Finally, learn the six elements of a successful and genuine apology: express regret and remorse, explain yourself, accept full responsibility, repent, make an offer for reparations, and, only at the end, request forgiveness. Realize that you are not entitled to forgiveness, and accept whatever happens with grace.
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