The first question, the integrity question, as Andy calls it, is this:
Why do I do this, really? Why do I want this, really? Why did I do that, really?
You rarely have to sell yourself on a good idea. Further, you rarely have to justify a good idea to yourself. Justifying is just akin to ‘just-a-lying’. And it is even a little more sinister than that - most of us aren’t REALLY on a truth quest; we are on a confirmation quest. We want to be right more than we want to be true. Our best version of ourselves finds a way to seek and apply truth rather than preference. That’s a huge idea! Why do we do this? Psychologists say that we have a hard time with this, with telling ourselves lies, is because of confirmation bias. Think about abortion and gun control. You and I already have opinions on these, and every time we see something that CONFIRMS our opinion, we key in on it, and when we see something to the opposite of what we believe, we can creatively forget it or ignore it, without trying very hard! This plays into the topic of the last book I read as well - we talked about the Christian faith vs. atheism. The reality is, smart people have found a way to be on both sides of the discussion, and with good reason. The point we should take from the book is that we shouldn’t feel like we are idiots if we truth in God’s existence and in the story of Jesus - there is evidence for that. But, whichever way we decide, the truth is that we tend to identify and adopt evidence that supports our view, and we ignore the other. This is the issue between Democrats and Republicans - just as it a problem internally with ourselves.
The reality is that nothing changes until we are completely honest with ourselves.
Andy says that the 3 areas where people tend to have the biggest regrets are purchases, relationships, and habits. Andy calls this the 3 D’s - Dumb purchases, doomed relationships, destructive habits.
He makes a great point - if a sales person used on you, the same pitch YOU use on YOU, you would be appalled. Think about how you justify your purchasing decisions - “If you don’t like it, just donate it.” Or, “This is the same as the one you already have, except that it has this one extra thing...”. Or, “Come on, you’ve been working hard, you deserve this.” Ever said those to yourself? Sure you have...we all have. But if someone else said to me, that would almost be offensive. Let’s not give ourselves slack on this! And we do things like this, we justify things like this with relationships and habits as well.
Relationships and habits are so similar, but they are typically more on-going and behavioral than the purchases, which tend to be more impulsive decisions, for most people. Think about this - you can’t talk your way out of a problem that you behaved your way into. And, the thinking that led you into the problem isn’t likely to be the thinking that leads you out of it. We have to cut through the noise and get clarity in order to change - and change requires full and unbridled truth. Dishonesty fuels addictions of all kinds.
Great, great chapter - and a great question. Why am I doing this, REALLY?