Kate emerges as Andrew's true nemesis as sources reveal his jealousy drove William's zero-tolerance policy. The disgraced royal faces a choice between Abu Dhabi's gilded cage and Sandringham's windswept isolation—where he'll finally learn to cook. William attempts a Rio reset with beach volleyball and DiCaprio, but Harry crashes coverage from Toronto. Meghan returns to acting and deploys the royal cypher to sell candles. Plus: Beckham gets knighted, Andrew's 1984 "Twit of the Year" paint gun disaster, and why Ghislaine Maxwell is now called "Mary Poppins" in prison.
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