Drawing from her research and interviews with boys over the past three decades, Niobe Way, a professor of developmental psychology at New York University, reveals how boys in early adolescence express a strong desire for close, emotionally intimate friendships, but as they grow older, societal pressures cause them to suppress these feelings. She calls this a crisis of connection and it’s affecting all of us.
“This crisis of connection is not just for boys and young men. It's with everybody where we're starting to disconnect from our emotional sensitivity, our need for relationships, our need for intimate relationships, not just with a romantic partner, but with friends, as we grow older…” Way says. “Even our notions of maturity, it's the same notions as manhood. It's about being independent, self-sufficient, autonomous, stoic. It's not about being emotional, being sensitive, being able to be mutually supportive with another person.”
This loss of connection along with a culture steeped in toxic masculinity leads to emotional isolation, and contributes to rising rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and even mass violence. Often times society blames mental illness for the latter, but Way contends that our need to individualize these problems, rather than seeing them as cultural issues creates a cycle of not listening and blame.
“The point that we're not asking is, why are they having mental health problems? I mean, what's leading them to be that mentally ill? What is leading them to do that? What's causing that? And why are so many young men at this point-- because the numbers are almost every day that we have a mass shooting-- why are there so many high numbers of young men, white, privileged young boys have mental illness? Why?,” Way says. “Once you start asking why, then you start seeing a cultural story of the way we're raising our children. And I'm going to implicate everybody, including me. We are absolutely raising our children to go against their nature by only valuing one side, by valuing academic achievement over kindness.”
In the episode, Way advocates for a rethinking of not only how we raise boys, but all children, stressing the value of fostering emotional intelligence, empathy, and deep connections with others.