Reflecting on the Past
Laura talks about her hard memories of the marriage bed and how she took time after leaving her marriage to observe how others interacted in their marriages. She realized that healthy relationships exist and had to rewrite the script in her mind about what is normal and healthy.
Challenging the Spouse
Laura describes how challenging her husband or saying no would lead to either being ignored, receiving a different storyline, or being told she was wrong. She mentions how this would escalate to character assassination, erasing what she thought and wanted, making her feel she had to go along with what he did.
Hitting the Wall
As her kids got older, financial troubles and unstable work for her husband added to the stress. Three occasions in four months where her husband physically hit her were pivotal. After the first incident, she contacted the church, seeking accountability, but it led to no meaningful support. Her husband never acknowledged his actions.
Lack of Support and Apologies
Laura shares how her husband never apologized or acknowledged the abuse, often claiming that incidents never happened or were accidental.
Physical and Emotional Abuse
Laura explains why she did not call the police, mentioning her fear of creating a bigger mess and the belief that any report would lead to someone going to jail. She learned the importance of documentation and how having a case number could have helped her later.
Fear and Control
Laura recounts another incident where her husband shoved her out of bed, leading her to scream for help. She didn't call the police, fearing the consequences. Her husband continued to downplay and dismiss her concerns.
Finding Leslie Vernick
After these incidents, Laura tried one more round of counseling. Seeing her husband act cruelly towards his mother was a turning point. A friend recommended Leslie Vernick's book, which gave her the words to explain her experiences and recognize the patterns of abuse.
Joining Conquer
Laura joined Conquer in 2017. Leslie's teachings and the supportive community were a godsend. She learned about her identity in Christ and how to have healthy relationships, which helped her grow and heal.
Grieving and Healing
Leaving a 32-year marriage involved a grief process for Laura. Time and counseling have been healing. She had to intentionally remember the good times and not vilify her ex. Now, she can pray for him and look forward to advancing God's kingdom in her life.
Moving Forward and Dating Again
After seven years of being divorced, Laura is cautiously open to a new relationship. She approaches it differently, being mindful and keeping other people engaged. She remains true to herself and looks for mutual engagement and respect.
Conclusion
Laura encourages women in similar situations to see their own beauty and courage. She advises focusing on personal health and taking steps towards independence. Empowering oneself and one's children towards Christ and their own identity is crucial.
Encouragement and Next Steps
Laura emphasizes the importance of focusing on individual wellness and taking the next right step. She suggests creating a safety plan and being around supportive people who will speak life into you.