Join Chad Rollo and I as we talk about deconstructing our faith and the importance of being in community with 'fellow travellers' as we journey this wild & windy (and often painful) road towards integrating our faith and sexuality after years of living behind a wall of shame & fear.
Growing up so deeply entrenched in an evangelical church-based community and family I know how painful and important questions around faith and sexuality can be.
I desperately wanted to wake up one day and to magically have the absolute affirmation and unconditional love, of my church and from my family, without having any conflict and without having to make any changes to the beliefs that I was raised to believe were absolute truth for absolutely everyone... with no exceptions or shades of grey.
At many times my sexuality and faith seemed to be oceans apart, and honestly, there were times when I said, ‘screw this! I’ve been hurt too many times. I’ve fallen for the ‘all are welcome’ ploys for the last time. The continuous gaslighting of being told that people were coming from ‘a place of love’ when really, they were projecting their own fears and hate towards how God created me, and towards my I AMness.’ This abuse, and it is abuse, was too much.
I want to affirm and honour those that need to walk away. I understand that for some you need to love and honour your Knowing and Truth. I get that the abuse, the trauma and the appropriation of God’s name to hate instead of love is not healthy and continues to inflict pain. Trust yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself, do whatever you need to create a space of psychological, mental, emotional and spiritual safety. This needs to come first. Know that I see you.
And what I am now learning, at my current space of healing, is that this pain, it was a call inward. I needed to go inside to hear and Know God. It was a call to deconstruct some of the lies, fears, false certainties and mistranslations that I was taught by man. I needed to deconstruct so that I could remember God’s truth for my life.
What I now know, I didn’t need to turn my back on my faith. I needed to tune into my faith and turn up the dial in my connection with God. That is what deconstruction is about. Deconstruction isn’t a process of destruction… it’s a process of attunement, remembering and transformational spiritual growth.
Chad’s faith looks different than it did years ago, but he wouldn’t change a thing. The pain of losing his family still exists and is very real, but Chad knows that God has blessed him with Bill and his family, and a community that loves him for exactly who he is.
Chad probably would not have found this place of peace and acceptance if he didn’t love and trust himself enough AND if he didn’t love and trust God enough to be led through a phase of deconstruction.
And just like Chad shared with me, If he had to go through it all again, he would!
And as painful as my process of recovery and deconstruction can be, so would I. There is so much hope, strength and love waiting to be remembered.
I am so glad you're here and that you're asking such powerful questions.
We need you, we need to hear your story.
You are wanted, you are worthy.
You are loved.
James