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The Topical
by The Onion
258 EPISODES
May 2021
Play for free
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The Final Episode Of The Topical
The Onion
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
The Onion
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
The Onion
Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
The Onion
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
The Onion
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
The Onion
Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
The Onion
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
The Onion
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
The Onion
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
The Onion
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
The Onion
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
The Onion
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
The Onion
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
The Onion
New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
The Onion
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
The Onion
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
The Onion
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
The Onion
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
The Onion
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
The Onion
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
The Onion
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
The Onion
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
The Onion
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
The Onion
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
The Onion
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
The Onion
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
The Onion
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
The Onion
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
The Onion
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
The Onion
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
The Onion
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
The Onion
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
The Onion
Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
The Onion
Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
The Onion
All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
The Onion
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
The Onion
Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
The Onion
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
The Onion
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
The Onion
Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
The Onion
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
The Onion
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
The Onion
Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
The Onion
Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
The Onion
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
The Onion
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
The Onion
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
The Onion
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
The Onion
Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
The Onion